Think of a conversation you've been putting off. You already have it? How good. So we will start to break it down to see the problems that arise. Starting a good conversation is crucial, difficult and important, especially in those moments when you know you should talk to someone, but you don't. Maybe you have tried but it went wrong or you are afraid that if you speak it will worsen the situation. However, it creates a feeling that you are trapped and that you would like to release that energy that you have stuck to improve the relationship with the other person.
I am going to present you a short list of strategies to improve this practice, it is a series of points that you should keep in mind when you take action, and think before you start a conversation, and these suggestions can help you keep your energy focused and that it flows naturally.
There is one issue that is crucial. You have more power than you think.
- Work on yourself. How to prepare for a good conversation.
Before starting a conversation, ask yourself the following questions:
1- What is your purpose to start this conversation? What to expect to achieve? What would be the ideal result for you?
Look at the hidden purposes. You may think you have honorable goals, such as trying to teach an employee some tasks or improve your relationship with your child, but your language is too critical or condescending. Do you think you want to help improve the relationship, but end up punishing? Some effects are more useful than others. Working on yourself, to enter a conversation with a supportive posture, you need to awaken certain qualities within each person.
2- Are you making assumptions about the other person's intentions?
You may feel intimidated, despised, ignored, or marginalized, but be careful with these assumptions because they are not always the other person's true intentions. This impact is not necessarily the intention of equality.
3- What attitudes of yours are being pushed outwards? Are you more emotional than the situation warrants? Take a look at the "background" of that circumstance. What personal story has risen to the surface with your emotions? You can still have that conversation, but be aware that some emotional states mostly have to do with you.
4- How do you perceive your attitude when that conversation is developing? If you think the talk is going to be terribly difficult, it probably will be. If you consider that whatever happens, you are going to get something good out of it, without a doubt that will be the case. Try to adjust your attitude to achieve the maximum effectiveness of your emotions.
5- Who is the adversary? What could be happening in that situation? Are you aware of the problem? If so, how do you think the other person perceives it? What are your needs and your fears? What solution do you think you would suggest? Start to reframe your opponent as a partner.
6- What are your fears? Are there any common concerns with the other person? It could happen?
7- How have you contributed to this problem between you? How has the other person reacted?
4 steps to achieve a successful result.
Most work, in any type of conflict within a conversation, must begin within you. No matter how well the conversation begins, you will have to hold that posture, your purpose and your emotional energy, in the same state as it started. Take a deep breath, focus, hold that position, and when you stray, choose to return to it. This is where your power lies. By choosing calm, you help your opponent or partner to be more focused. Focusing is not a step, but rather is concentrating on what is the purpose of that conversation.
The first step is "The Investigation"
Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity. Pretend you don't know anything, but you're not really doing it, and try to learn as much as possible about your opponent, partner, friend, or partner and what his or her point of view is on that conflicting topic. Imagine that you are entertaining a strange visitor and find out how things are where he lives. Ask him How do certain events affect him? What are your values and priorities?
Observe their body language and the energy it emits. What do you really want? What are you not saying?
Let the other person speak until it's done. Do not interrupt except to agree with what you are saying. Whatever you hear, don't take it personally. Maybe she is not referring to you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. Wait your turn to intervene. Don't rush situations.
The second step is "The Recognition"
Recognition means that you show that you have heard and understood everything that the other person wants to express to you. Try to understand it and make him feel that the arguments he presented to you play in his favor. Guess what their hopes are and take care of their honor. He will not change unless he sees where he is standing. In this there are not always guarantees, because it also depends on beliefs and feelings so that it modifies its attitude towards you.
Acknowledge all the points in the conversation that you think you agree with, including your defensiveness. Then you can decide how to approach the subject. I give you an example, once I had a discussion with a friend who said to me: “I realize that I am on the defensive with you, but I think it is because you are speaking in a strong tone and it seemed that you were angry. I just want to talk about this topic, I don't want to convince you to decide anything or to take any direction ”. Recognition helps the person refocus on the topic and the intentions he had in engaging him.
Recognition can be difficult if you associate it with making an agreement with the other person. Try to keep these issues separate. You can say something like "this sounds like it is important to you" or "what you are expressing to me does not mean that I am going to make the same decision as yours."
The third step is "The Promotion"
When you feel that your opponent or your partner has finished expressing everything he had to say on that subject, it is your turn to give your position. What can you appreciate from your point of view that you have lost? This will help you clarify what position you should take. For example: “From what you have told me, I can conclude that perhaps I feel that I am not part of the team. But I am. When a problem occurs with a project, I am thinking about long-term success. My criticism is not destructive, even if it sounds like one. Maybe we can talk about how we can address this issue so you can see what my real intention is on the subject. ”
The fourth step is "Practice and practice"
Now you are ready to start building solutions. You can brainstorm and research can be very helpful. Ask your opponent or partner what he is thinking and how it might work on the issue at hand. Say what you say, find something you like and build solutions based on that. If the conversation becomes contradictory, go back to the investigation step. Asking the other person to express their point of view creates confidence and encourages them to participate. If you have been successful in focusing, stick to that attitude and commitment to research. Creating sustainable solutions will be easy for you.
Creating good conversations is an art, and as such it takes continuous practice to acquire this skill.
Some additional tips:
- Obtaining a successful result will depend on two things: one is, what the situation is like and what you express in it. When you strike up a conversation are you focused, curious, or do you solve problems? The attitude you take will greatly influence the direction the conversation will take.
- Try to recognize your emotional energy and that of your partner, and direct it towards a useful purpose.
- Knowing your posture will allow you to return to your purpose in difficult times.
- Don't take verbal attacks personally. Help your opponent return to the topic for which they met.
- Practice the conversation with a friend, before you take it to the real shot.
- Hold mental practices of that conversation. Seeing the different possibilities and visualizing that you can manipulate it, will help you find solutions to the problem they have between them.
How can you start a conversation?
One of the most common questions is How can you start a conversation? Here are some guidelines that can be used as conversation starters that can be very helpful to you.
- I have something that I would like to discuss with you and I think it could help to work together more effectively…
- I like to talk about …… with you, but first I would like to know what is your point of view about….
- I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?…
- I need your help with something. Can we talk about it? If the person says, "Sure, there is no problem," then continue expressing what you need.
- I think we have different perceptions about …….. I would like to hear what your ideas are about this.
- I like to talk about ……………………. I think we may have different ideas about how …………….
- I would like to see if we can reach a better understanding about ……………. I really want to hear your feelings about this and also share what is my point of view.
Then write what could be the different positions that the other person would take, and see what feelings each one produces for you, so you can start a good conversation. But above all, that you get a good understanding of what the purpose of that event is. Always try to be objective and respectful towards the other person. Remember that having another point of view does not mean that you are wrong, but that you see things from the other side. Focus on your energy and try to take the conversation to the path you want.
