Our personal beliefs about love largely determine how we experience life as a couple, as well as the break and time alone between one relationship and another. In this article I will tell you about realistic love, its characteristics and effects.
Beliefs and their consequences
Through beliefs we give meaning to the reality we perceive and to the circumstances in which we find ourselves. They determine our interpretations of events and how we react, that is, our emotions and behaviors. Therefore, the facts do not generate emotional states in themselves, the way we interpret these situations does.
I give you an everyday example, we usually say "You have made me angry!", The truth is that we get angry by our own decision, because we interpret as something annoying what someone else says or does, in other words, we can feel offended even when the someone else does not intend to do it, or not get angry even if they tried to annoy us. By recognizing the power we have over our thoughts, we can master our emotions.
It is true that there are truly degrading actions, but when we get angry two things happen, we become aggressors or victims. This means, we hurt others justifying ourselves that we were hurt first, or we allow them to attack us because anger blocks our ability to react and defend ourselves.
In both cases we continue to be denigrated as a product of our emotion, derived from the interpretation we make of what happened: "I am being offended and it is totally unbearable, therefore I have to feel intense anger." The alternative to this belief is: "I am being offended but I am not being physically hurt, so I can bear it, while I stay away from the aggressor and / or report the grievance to authority figures," so you decide not to get angry and act on your behalf. defense without attacking the other.
Irrational beliefs about love
As human beings, our ideas are limited, imprecise and full of prejudices, although we rarely realize this, to the point that sometimes we act according to customs that we do not question or understand. These beliefs are influenced by the culture, society and family to which we belong, which is why we adopt them as we grow without realizing it and without necessarily having a direct relationship with our own experiences.
These kinds of thoughts are found in our minds as absolute and undeniable demands, which, if not carried out, generate intense emotions of anger, depression, anxiety or guilt. Also, they interfere with the achievement of our objectives and are self-destructive, because they prevent us from understanding situations, making conscious decisions and acting coherently to our well-being without harming other people.
With love it happens the same, as it is read in the article "Broken heart: disappointment, deception or self-deception?". Here are two of the main irrational beliefs on this topic:
- "It is a fundamental need of every adult person, to be loved with extreme passion and forever." If we think well we conclude that intense romantic love is not a basic need, because we can live without it. In fact, we can have a good quality of life and enjoy other types of love from people who are not our partner. On the other hand, we have the possibility of experiencing a healthy, stable and calm loving relationship, without the constant manifestation of extreme passion, knowing that in one way or another it will come to an end, by decision or death. «Not being loved romantically means failing in life and being unequivocally condemned to suffer. ”We are multifaceted and complex beings, oriented to the achievement of objectives, therefore, we experience all kinds of triumphs,even if we don't have the opportunity to experience romantic love. Thus, we are able to feel happiness for a wide variety of reasons. Forcing ourselves to perfection condemns us to failure, because it is impossible to be successful in all aspects of life, great achievements imply great resignations.
Realism in love
It does not refer to being cold and calculating, it is about overcoming the idealizations we make of being loved due to infatuation, like idealisms, those myths about love that have instilled us culturally, that our parents transmitted to us and that we created themselves from previous relationships. Assume the act of loving with the will to control our thoughts, to prevent our emotions from overflowing and behaving undesirably.
Letting go of assumptions when interpreting what happens in the relationship and concentrating on the description of what we can show. Abort criticism and complaints, replace them with suggestions, offer help and manage your own frustration. Understand that the couple is autonomous in their decisions and in case we are affected by them, take decisions to ensure our own well-being, because we are also autonomous.
Improve communication, be assertive in what we feel and want, without impositions of any kind. Because the couple is not obliged to satisfy all our needs, answer all our questions, minimize all our fears, compensate for all our losses and frustrations, or make us fully happy. These tasks correspond to each of us, we share the results with the person we choose to love.
This process requires advice from a qualified professional. The psychologist can teach you how to identify your irrational beliefs about love and instruct you in strategies to transform them into realistic ideas that positively influence your emotions and behaviors.
conclusion
Realistic love promotes harmonious and stable relationships, because it minimizes the dogmatic demands placed on the couple and helps each member to maintain the emotional balance necessary to overcome the challenges of love life.
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In a future article I will share with you some strategies to «Keep love alive».
References: Branden, N. (1971) The psychology of romantic love. New York: Bantam. Ellis, A. (1960) The art and science of love.
Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart. Among other texts.
Psychologist Gabriel López
Online Psychology That Transforms Lives www.psicologogabriellopez.com
