Laura had a three-month relationship with Roberto. In the eyes of others, everything worked well and in her opinion, the bond went "on wheels", as long as she stayed away from her friends and within the expectations of her boyfriend. If she took time to go out without him, an avalanche of punishments and inconveniences rained down on her: he stopped talking to her, avoided having sex with her and began to be absent.
Orlando is an insurance policy salesman, is divorced and lives with one of his children, a 19-year-old teenager named Rudy. Every time he has a conquest and tries to stabilize his life in love and seems to have found a suitable woman to rebuild his life, he notices that "coincidentally", his daughter becomes aggressive and begins to go wrong in school.
Andrés' case follows a similar track: he owns a small store and lives with Magaly, a lady of great sympathy and strong character, who is about ten years older than him in age. Due to the nature of his work, Andrés does not have a fixed schedule and sometimes he has to stay working a little longer than planned. She cannot bear to spend more than two hours without contacting her. If she does, she shows up at the store without saying anything and created a tremendous scandal in front of her employees and some customers who were there. On the way home, she was crying, and when he told her that he was sick of those kinds of situations, she began to breathe as if she were out of breath and suddenly, she opened the door of the moving vehicle and threatened to throw herself into the street."If you don't love me anymore, nothing matters to me, " he said, in the style of the best dramas in Hollywood.
These three episodes have one negative element in common: emotional blackmail. The clear or sneaky message you send from one person, telling the other that if you don't do what is expected of you, you will have to face unpleasant consequences. It is a clear manipulation to obtain what is desired, at the cost of the sacrifice, discomfort or effort of the other. Some will label these behaviors as cunning or baseness, although we can fit them in the psychological framework of low self-esteem.
Curiously, emotional blackmail usually works, only in the short term, since in the medium and long term it produces saturation, boredom and the desire to flee, free and even take revenge.
In some cases, in hierarchical relationships, such as those between parents and children, bosses and employees or leaders and leaders, the practice of emotional blackmail is frequent, intense and sometimes conscious, which can border the limits of psychopathology.
Although it is a common practice and it is usual for one or more in each family to use this neurotic strategy, it is advisable to know it and put a stop to it. Fortunately, there are exit doors to escape this type of situation.
The first thing we must do is understand that people who take blackmail as their favorite scheme to achieve their goals in relationships, show traces of a devalued, dependent and insecure personality. These are individuals who do not believe they are capable of achieving what they want or need, in healthier and more ecological ways, who prefer to take the easier path, or who take pleasure in the very act of dominating their fellow men.
You can talk to the person who is blackmailing you, if he is one of those who shows any trace of good sense and rationality. Thus, it could help him to realize his manipulative style and the emotional effect it causes. Only few are at this level, as most will act as if their fair claim is actually an offense.
It is essential to make a change in the language, since it is necessary to overcome the victim's justifications or reasoning, such as: "what else can I do", "is that they force me", "I prefer to avoid", "it must be karma", etc. Let's assume that everyone is responsible for what they do and in most cases, for what they allow them to do. Jump into the adult arena and stop blaming others for what you choose to endure or "swallow."
Another recommendation is to avoid the tendency to argue angrily, or to dwell on the idea of revenge. Rather, flatter positive changes if they do occur, as behaviors that are rewarded tend to repeat themselves. You can also seek therapeutic help individually or for everyone involved in the blackmailing game, and if, having done your part, you see that things are not improving, you can think about the possibility of moving away. It is clear that some are not willing to review and change.
If perhaps the person who uses emotional blackmail is you, you should make the decision to abandon this problematic mechanism, to assume a mature behavior oriented to persuade and not to force. Let us understand that not all of them can be won and that it is time to accept what we are not in a position to change. As Albert Ellis has pointed out, it is irrational to think that everyone will always please us. Also, no one wants to be forced to do what they don't want to do. Think of the unpleasant feeling of having to love swear, eat without hunger, or sleep without sleep.
Learn how to provide satisfaction in less traumatic ways. Read self-improvement books, reflect, fill your time with enjoyable activities, and stop living in control of others.
Relationships are spaces of growth and pleasure, whose greatest contribution is to teach us to transcend selfishness. Loving is essentially understanding and giving. Don't destroy your relationships with sordid bullying. Trade, tolerate, live and let live. Thanks for reading me.
