It is usual for humans to seek approval and support from others, out of real need or sociocultural learning. What should be avoided is attachment, dependence, which limits the development of a healthy and mature personality, where autonomy is normal, that is, to think, choose and decide for oneself. Keep reading.
From the moment of conception, the creature that is formed in the womb is already dependent. It requires, to be born healthy, numerous care from the mother and specialists that facilitate his entry into the world as a person with a life of his own.
Once born, the child demands companionship, stimulation and attention that it could not provide itself. Thus he grows, and goes through childhood, puberty and adolescence until he becomes an adult. At this stage it is appropriate to expect him to develop a style of being his own and some autonomy.
However, by genetics, archetypes, learning or will, it can be seen that many people after crossing the barrier of 30 years, show difficulty in becoming independent mentally, emotionally and materially. They continue to live with their parents or other relatives, or already far from them, they seek their opinion and support to make sometimes simple and inconsequential decisions.
If this behavior is reinforced in the maternal home, the consequences for emotional development can be insecurity, low autonomy and an inability to make adult decisions.
What is autonomy? For me, it is the ability and willingness to think, choose and act independently, without experiencing anxiety or guilt. Autonomy is expressed in specific behaviors such as performing self-care activities, visiting places without compulsively requiring the presence of others, buying products or services without waiting for the approval of others, handling loneliness adequately if necessary or rejecting a pleasant but dispensable invitation.
Autonomy is a form of freedom, which reveals high self-esteem, as it reveals self-confidence, a sense of control over one's own life, and psychological maturity. It can be associated with authenticity in the sense that the person with autonomy exercises their free will without the urge to like or please others, to the detriment of their real wants and needs.
Autonomy leads us to live by personal laws, by an ethic that dictates what is right, what is healthy, what is appropriate, what is necessary. It gives us consistency, keeps us from having to take on unwanted and unnecessary duties, and from being compromised by the favors that have been done us. Autonomy is wonderfully liberating.
We know that we are not acting autonomously when we orient our behavior to please others and we feel guilty about it; when we fill the agenda with activities that we hate doing but that we think are socially necessary, even though later, in the sincerity of loneliness, we experience emptiness and frustration.
It is not about becoming selfish or social misfits, but about knowing when it is really essential to intervene in favor of others, what is the most fair for our goals and emotional well-being. Solidarity is given to the weak, not the comfortable.
Autonomy has many advantages, increasing our personal security, reducing the anxiety of loneliness, and distancing abusers, controllers, and meddlers.
To develop autonomy, it may be helpful to follow the following suggestions:
- Don't commit upfront. If you are invited to an activity in two weeks, postpone the decision and say that it is possible, but not certain and that you will respond a few days later. Leave doubt politely, but avoid letting others make your schedule for you. When visiting, plan your arrival and departure times in advance. Do not respond to all calls immediately. If you don't have one, activate a phone recorder and let them leave your message. This is how they will answer when you need it. See voluntary solitude as a positive opportunity that gives you freedom and time for personal reflection. Make a list of what you can do without others, to learn how to break dependency. Write down what is important. for you and prioritize it. Take care of yourself the same or better than you do with others.Do not tell your plans or problems to others if it is not really necessary, as it gives them input to give their opinion and decide for you. If necessary, find a specialized counselor. Do not establish mandatory relationships with neighbors, bosses or co-workers. Be friendly and share, but stay clear of anchors that keep you from setting sail.
Parents who wish to help their children should let them learn to decide for them and solve their problems without interference, although with support offered without pressure, or provided when requested. Successful parents are the ones who keep their children from being dependent on them.
Be clear that you should not ask permission to live your way. He is a unique individual, with a life of his own, and although he surely has a lot to thank those who have supported him, or lives with his family, he is not obliged to accept pressure or blackmail. Nothing, except your own choice, can lead you to be, do, or have something other than what you have decided to be, do, and have. Play your own music and dance to it however you like, but make sure you are not deliberately hurting the people around you.
If in some difficult situations, you need to listen to the opinions of others, inform yourself and consult to make a lower decision, do so, with the clarity that the decision is yours, and that you will also have to assume the consequences of your omissions and actions. In reality, always, freedom is a right that comes with duties. Self-actualization is a stony and demanding path.
Learn to rid yourself of the manipulators who accuse, threaten, blame, ignore or seduce to dominate you and take you to the terrain that suits them. Walking away, dodging humorously, postponing a decision, or assertively saying a simple, "no," will save you from countless upsets and misunderstandings. Start your training towards autonomy and you will see the rewards very soon. Thanks for reading me. www.laexcelencia.com
