We all want to love and be loved. However, when we have had negative experiences, we can become sensitized, and consider it appropriate to avoid, take too many precautions, or never try to love again. However, life goes on and opportunities to bond with new people seem to be, sometimes, just around the corner. Keep reading.
It is not a secret that consciousness is one of the most important powers that human beings have, since it allows us to realize our thoughts, emotions, actions and even certain possible consequences derived from our actions. This means that when we do not measure the consequences of our actions, we are acting from unconsciousness, governed by habits and prejudices, and generating, without realizing it, uncomfortable and unpleasant situations.
One of those automated acts that arise in the context of relationships is the habit of looking for defects, a harmful and frequent habit, which prompts us to perceive and preferably communicate what we dislike, ignoring or undervaluing the stimuli that are rewarding and favorable..
This, of course, has internal and external consequences: internal ones are a tendency to live with emotional distress, reduced joy, difficulty relaxing, and the establishment of negative observation habits; external ones, a tendency to conflict and increased rejection by related people.
The causes of this type of behavior can be biological, psychological and cultural. Biologically, it may be due to limiting brain configurations such as the so-called “Asperger's Syndrome”, a disorder that creates, among other symptoms, bonding difficulties, poor tact and low empathy.
Psychologically, early traumas in the bonds with parents, as expressed in theories such as Bowlby's "Attachment Theory" and "Bond Theory", or tendencies such as those expressed by Adler in his theories (Organ inferiority, and the Eagerness for Perfectionism), predispose people to fear being rejected, to overcompensate for that fear and therefore to reject others and see their defects. Something like "first I reject you, before being rejected by you." Some attitudes associated with this mental scheme are: insecurity, jealousy and envy.
Culturally, we learn by imitation, which is why living with people (parents, friends, etc.) who act as fault finders, can lead us to learn that style and see it as something “normal”.
The problem then is the dedication of energy and time to criticize, to detect something objectionable in others, to find a subtle or disguised way to compensate for their negative self-image and feel superior. It is a mental game of self-consolation in which they say deceptively: "I am fine and they are wrong. As Eckhart Tolle has pointed out: “it's his ego against the world”. They are, in short, disturbers close to the pathology, who do not remedy their own mistakes or overcome their defects, but live outwards towards the life of others. To them, anyone who succeeds will be suspicious, ignorant, weird, or ridiculous.
Thus, they unconsciously reduce the guilt they experience for their self-neglect and their poor personal achievements. His specialty is to make others feel guilty, incomplete or inadequate, since they do not admit to other people their merits or their right to be different.
How to recognize them? Often they can appear with a mocking, sour or exaggeratedly kind face, with a sarcastic tendency, indolent and reckless behavior and a clear destructive desire; They give their opinion when you have not consulted them, and they are fond of hurtful and derogatory phrases: "How fat you are", "And you haven't married?", "I thought you had already graduated", conflictive ”,“ do you still live in that place? ”, etc.
If we want to improve our lives and leave this pernicious pattern behind, it is necessary to stop telling others what they "do wrong" (especially if they have not asked for our opinion). Let's focus on improving ourselves and leading by example. And if we are going to refer to something, which is preferably the positive, the meritorious, because as behavioral psychology teaches: "all rewarded behavior tends to repeat itself" Live and let live. We do not disguise our desire to control others with the "mask" of a sincere helper, nor do we hide it with the phrase "I do it for your good."
It does not mean that errors or shortcomings cannot be discussed, or that we deny ourselves the opportunity for moderate and well-intentioned criticism. It is, yes, not to make it a habit or a constraint to hurt those who or like us.
And if you've ever wondered what to do in the face of fault finders, the answer is: Acknowledge their qualities, kindly suggest that they also look at their positive side, assertively demand that they change that trend, or simply walk away from them if that is possible. Thanks for reading me. www.laexcelencia.com.
