If you have problems getting your son or daughter to have good behavior, you should start by analyzing your own behavior.
Something that all professionals who work in the family world share is that behind a son or daughter with problems…; there is at least one adult with problems.
Please don't get me wrong, these difficulties do not have to mean that one of the parents is a drug addict or abuses their partner. These are usually problems with relationships, a lack of self-esteem or, for example, poor stress management skills. But what is true is that it is something that must be overcome if you want to help your children develop in a positive way.
What is the first step to improve my children's behavior
The first thing you should do is analyze the way you relate to them, that is, the educational style you use in daily practice.
The following questions can help you understand the style of discipline you use with your children. There are no right or wrong answers, what matters is that you reflect on the answers you give to these questions.
1. What level of intimacy do you have with your children?
2. How often do you show affection to your children?
3. How is communication with your children usually?
4. When you set standards for your children, do you explain the reasons?
5. Do your children consider that the house rules are clearly established?
6. How do you act when your children make a mistake?
7. Have you ever promised your children rewards that you have not kept?
8. What is the most important thing in your child's education?
9. How do you act when a complicated problem arises at home or at work?
As you have answered these questions, you will realize that the educational style you use with your children is:
- Mainly Authoritarian (the important thing is that they obey orders);
- Rather Permissive (they have to do what they want, that's what they are children for); or
- Democratic type (what you are looking for is to teach them to be responsible people).
The advantages of educating using the democratic style
In the 21st century society, which demands so much from each of us, the most recommended style is the democratic one because it will prepare your son or daughter to be a responsible citizen, with a balanced personality and a pro-social behavior that will make them more easy to feel happy on a day-to-day basis.
But, to achieve this goal, it is essential that you ask yourself this other question:
Does your partner share the same educational philosophy?
If so, great, you will get a lot of good results with your children. But, if you think that he or she is not supporting you enough, you should work on it as soon as possible because it can have a negative impact on the present and future life of your son or daughter.
You are the result of your parents' educational style
Most parents of children with behavioral problems use a permissive or authoritarian style of discipline; or as it happens more frequently, a mixture of both. This means that their children do not see them as adult-guides that they can trust, since they fear them or do not take them seriously. Worst of all, it is not only children who adopt this type of attitude towards them, but most of the people they know.
The adult who uses a permissive style with their children often tries to " give them everything that they did not give to him or herself in childhood." These people tend to adopt a passive attitude towards problems and often feel that others are abusing their delivery.
They are people who help everyone, who can always be counted on, but… who often cannot count on many people when they need them.
On the other hand, parents who lean towards the authoritarian style are usually fearful people who only try to get their children to be accepted by others. That is, they are sure that "if they are obedient, everyone will love them."
These adults can have problems at work because they are excessively perfectionistic, rigid, or intolerant, which leads them to be pushed aside by their peer group. For this reason, they do not know how to teach their children skills to integrate into a group; and in fact, they don't.
These are some examples of the problems that can be the real cause of parents not getting their children to manifest socially acceptable behavior, to be responsible, to study and to show respect for their peers. Therefore, it is essential that they begin to work on themselves and thus, the change in their children will occur more easily.
