Possibly we have heard expressions on many occasions, such as: Shut up !!! You are useless. You are a worthless girl!!! You don't do anything right! You're a fucking mess!
O Perhaps indirectly you receive continuous, continuous and constant criticism of your behavior, your way of being, acting, speaking, dressing and projecting yourself socially and at work from people, who are friends, family and even your own partner.
This type of behavior has become the norm, in many daily human relationships.
The truth, it would seem that aggressive-active or passive behavior is a bad habit, which brings serious and fatal consequences for the person who suffers, lives and suffers intensely.
Among the most significant and predominant postulates of moral or psychological harassment are the following: Insulting with profanity related to physical appearance, intellectual or work capacity, with the sole purpose of nicking honor.
Chasing, monitoring, harassing, forbidding a person to work outside, improving themselves by studying or having control of their own sexuality.
Try not to have new friends or contacts with relatives, Prohibit active participation in aid organizations, support.
Make new contacts for personal improvement.
Obstruct hours of rest, sleep and fun. Limit the control of money, manage own and common goods, reducing intelligence when doing so.
According to Leyman (1993) he defines moral harassment as social stress, but it is also known as the constant, consequent and followed acts of winning, attacking, mistreating, besieging Hirigoyen (2000) said that it is an attack on the psychological and emotional integrity of a person, is an attack on your identity.
Hirigoyen (2000) stated that perverse violence, once installed in the home, constitutes an infernal gear that is difficult to stop, since it tends to be passed from generation to generation.
Miller, A. (1984) who studied pedagogy perverse pedagogy has denounced the prejudices of that education traditionally that has the objective of breaking the will of the child in order to make it a docile and obedient being. Children become unable to react because "The overwhelming force and authority of adults silences them and may even cause them to lose consciousness." The following is considered by the Association for the Rights of Children, psychological abuse: verbal violence, sadistic or contemptuous behavior,
Affective repulsion, excessive demands without correlation with the child's age, all instructions or educational injections that are contradictory or impossible.
There is no doubt that this violence, which is never anodyne, can be indirect and affect children only through rebate or splash. Or many times you can upset a child who you want to eliminate.
Obviously, moral or psychological harassment can be suffered by a man or a woman, even from childhood and early stages of development. However, the studies according to Leyman (1993), Hirigoyen (2000),
Pinuel (1999), and Martínez (2002) indicate that due to the education received, it is women who are more likely to receive it and suffer it throughout their lives.
It is precisely women who always find the justification to be guilty, their insecurity leads them to show more quickly, than men, their problems of self-esteem, self-confidence, self-confidence and they live with the agony of their own internal counterattacks of anxiety, panic and self-destruction.
Obviously, this very poorly learned behavior leads them to be emotionally weaker than men.
Perversion considerably wears down families and when it comes from the couple against the wife, the bonds of unity are totally destroyed and all individuality is spoiled without the woman realizing the damage that this causes her day by day.
Possibly, she blames herself and says she does not deserve her husband's love for being a pushover, which is what he needs to make her believe in order to have complete and complete control of the relationship.
The perverts falsify their perverse violence very well, which cannot be surprising that it is very frequent, that they play the role of victims, because of the good image they project of themselves.
In the Convention on the elimination of all forms of discrimination against women, the following postulates were approved in the bill of rights of the United Nations (2003):
- Reaffirmation of the faith of fundamental human rights in dignity, and the value of the person as a human being with equality between the rights of men and women Discrimination against women is prohibited because it violates the principles of equality rights and respect for human dignity. It hinders the participation of women in the same conditions as men, in the political, social, economic and cultural life of their country It establishes the great contribution of women to the well-being of the family and to the development of society It recognizes the importance of women in motherhood and the role of both father and mother within the family and in the upbringing and education of children.
Indicators of Psychological Abuse in Couples
Here private or silent violence is discussed and we are going to classify it within moral or psychological harassment into three types: dominance, indirect violence and separation.
- Dominance.- According to Hirigoyen (2000) it begins when the affective movement begins to be lacking. A narcissistic individual imposes his dominance to retain the other, but also fears that the other will get too close and invade his territory. Here the woman sinks into doubt and guilt and has no reaction capacity.
The pleasure of the narcissist is to paralyze his partner by placing him in a position of confusion and uncertainty. Through this process, she keeps her partner at a distance and within limits that do not seem dangerous to her.
In this phase, a person's body can be killed, due to the psychological abuse received. The woman begins to take tranquilizers, depressants and even stops eating.
With this action, she wants to let her partner know that it is true that she is nobody and is psychically annulled.
Even with a good self-image, the person loses awareness of their own worth. When Tyranny is domestic and despair is individual, death reaches a primary goal and the feeling of not being takes over.
In these cases a well thought out, premeditated psychological murder has been carried out with the intention of destroying. It takes pleasure in knowing that the woman, in this case, is nobody.
A particular constant appears in this situation, there is no trace, there is no blood, and there is no corpse. The dead man is alive and there is nothing that can incriminate him. The dead man is alive and everything is normal.
- Indirect Violence - It is also known as perverse. It always appears in moments of crisis, and it occurs when an individual who has perverse defenses cannot take responsibility for her difficult choice. It is shown through a lack of respect. The oppressor's negativity of taking responsibility for his failure leads him to vent his anger on his partner.
Generally, this occurs in individuals who have a strong ideal of a partner, maintain apparently normal relationships until the day they have to choose between their old relationship and a new one. The stronger your ideal partner, the stronger your perverse behavior. You cannot accept that responsibility and you blame your partner for your breakup, including your heartbreak and lack of respect.
This places your partner in terrible distress because he is the one who has to raise awareness and handle the full range of manipulation. When this happens, the woman feels anger, shame for not having been loved and shame for accepting humiliation and enduring cruel and unemotional treatment from her partner.
The accumulated hatred appears openly and is seen in full light and is very similar to the delusion of persecution.
In this way the roles are reversed, the aggressor is attacked and the guilt remains on the same side. To make this credible, the aggressor looks for a way, that the victim behaves in a reprehensible way and can demonstrate that his vision is credible.
The understanding of this type of violence could be synthesized in the following way; Man cannot assume responsibility for his actions. Guilt cannot be a broadcast issue because there is no space for nationalization, logic, dialogue or mediation.
Here the woman, no matter what she does, will always be an object of hatred for having expressed and challenged the ideal image that her partner had of her. Furthermore, he will desperately need to form another "ideal" relationship based on hatred from his former partner.
The woman needs to strengthen her self-image and her identity, she cannot fear her aggressor, when facing her own demons she will get out of the game and the blackmail of her previous partner.
It is important to establish that in this type of relationship the natural naivety of believing that being in love is enough to make her happy, generous and better is totally false.
The conclusion that emerges from all this is that in the perverse, love has to be separated from hatred and at the same time it is vital, to have strength to be surrounded by this unhealthy and frightening feeling.
- The Separation - occurs during moments of breakup or divorce, in this case your previous partner. These are defensive entry procedures, which cannot be considered pathological. The repetitive and one-sided aspect of the process is that it has a destructive effect.
As the separation and breakup occur, the perverse movement is accentuated, where underhanded violence is unleashed as the perverse narcissist perceives how his prey escapes him.
According to Lemaire (1979) some of the vengeful behaviors after a separation or divorce can be expressed in the following way, in order not to hate myself I need to turn all my hatred against another, in this case his previous partner, because I consider that in another time I form part of himself.
This is often called "Stalking" or harassment. This happens with former lovers or partners who do not want to let go of their partner.
They express it with threats, phone calls, they promise changes and transformations that they cannot deliver. The greater the drive to dominate, the greater the resentment and anger.
Generally, victims defend themselves poorly, especially if they believe that they have made the decision to separate, which is often the case, and maintain a generous attitude hoping to escape from their persecutor. The perverse behavior is intended to destabilize the other and makes him doubt himself and others.
For this, anything goes, the insinuations, the lies and the absurdities.
To be successful, the victim must not be impressed, must not show any doubt about himself or about the decisions he has made. A significant finding in all of this is accepting that the perverse behavior refused to have direct communication.
This will be your absolute weapon to prove the nullity of your victim. The beings that have perverse behaviors do nothing more than reproduce what they suffered in their childhood, what they saw in action in their own family.
No one can fully assume the role of controller, rescuer or persecutor at the cost of their own integrity, dignity and pride. You cannot carry the misfortune of the other and make it a penance of your own personal, emotional, affective, intellectual and spiritual life.
You were not born to destroy yourself, but to build and learn from mistakes and lessons that are part of life.
The healing
Below are the steps to begin the healing process from the book '»Overcoming Emotional Pain» by John Preston.
1- Don't hurt yourself anymore - The first step is not to make things worse. Hippocrates established that the first rule of a doctor is "Do not aggravate the disease."
People have a natural capacity for emotional sanction. So without a doubt the first rule should be "Don't make things worse."
It is necessary to differentiate between necessary and constructive suffering. According to Johson (2000), the necessary suffering is that which occurs naturally as a consequence of a vital circumstance. These are losses due to the death of a loved one, the betrayal of a friend or a serious situation…
So let's avoid the following: Psychological block, adding fuel to the fire, making bad omens or excessive pessimism among other behaviors that undoubtedly do not help healing.
2- Discover how people heal - Respond to the «Streess» response syndrome. Evaluate what you feel, what hurts you, face your emotions of anger, pain, anger, sadness, rage and find a dosage for the pain.
It seems that in the human mind there is a kind of mechanism that allows us to check and measure pain and its consciousness.
It is somewhat similar to a psychological action and reaction. The process is not conscious is more or less automatic. We must be alert when the healing process stops.
Alienation and denial should be avoided. Remember that it is not time that heals but the effects of a repetitive exposure of reality and the sources that produced strong internal feelings.
3- Contribute to your own healing - "Time heals all wounds" and this is true up to a point. Time dampens certain suffering, but deep healing does not occur unless you consciously choose it (Preston, 1998).
Among the processes that could take place are: Express your emotions, talk about what happened, Take responsibility for strong emotions, accept reality, share your suffering, have a positive communication with yourself, Decide to start with hands to work. Get into your own deep healing.
4- Step on Earth, - Accept that emotional pain will heal like burns and physical wounds is a beginning. Maybe as you want time to do it, but if you decide to put your finger in the sore, poke and draw blood daily, you will neither heal nor improve the healing process it will be more painful.
Say No to your continual thoughts of guilt, hatred and anger. Keep going. Close chapters that you have already reread a thousand times.
To forgive or not to forgive is your decision. You will already be prepared. Remember that forgiveness can be shared within yourself and not shared with your oppressor.
Make life-changing decisions. Avoid permanent recurring problems.
5- Be assertive - Among the most frequent interpersonal conflicts are: Conflicts of broken promises, unfair treatment, forgetting your emotional needs and those of others, attempts to control or dominate the other, unwillingness to commit, racial discrimination or sexual, cheating and lies blaming everything including emotional blackmail, etc.
Being assertive is eliminating physical or verbal aggression because you hurt others and yourself, non-assertiveness is self-denial
6- Go controlling your emotions - Learn to control yourself. Remember possible is not the same as probable, so trust yourself. Exceed the shoulds and apply the could.
7- Stay in good physical health and eliminate excess "Stress"
Exercises, good nutrition, changing habits, sleeping, eating, smoking, relaxation, meditation, prayer, etc.
8- Support Therapy - Groups of people with interests, likes, hobbies and even personal and professional interest will be very helpful.
9- Consider Psychotherapy - Health professionals help you find your strengths, your weaknesses and find a better interpretation of why you repeat behaviors and patterns of pain and suffering in your life.
