Why is it more important than IQ.
Ideas - Strength
- Success in life does not depend exclusively on our intellectual abilities, becoming aware of our emotions, understanding the feelings of others, tolerating pressure and frustration, improving our ability to work in a team and adopting an empathetic and social attitude will give us more possibilities Development.Emotional Illiteracy Has a Higher Cost for People.Emotional Literacy is Very Useful for the Prevention of Violence.Emotional Learning Lasts a Lifetime.
Textual Phrases from the Book
- “… The emotional brain existed long before the rational one.” “The old paradigm held an ideal of reason freed from emotional tension. the new paradigm forces us to harmonize head and heart. "" Emotional life is an area that, like mathematics and reading, can be handled with greater or lesser dexterity and requires a unique set of skills. "" feeling as it occurs is the key to emotional intelligence. ”“ Gary's emotional flatness exemplifies what psychiatrists call alexithymia, from the Greek a-, which means “lack of,” and lexis, which means “word,” and thymos, which means "emotion." these people lack the words to express their feelings. ”“… not having words for feelings means not appropriating them ”.“The key to making better personal decisions is, in short, being in tune with our feelings.” “Anger is never without motive, but rarely is it a good motive.” “Anxiety undermines the intellect”. "… the best formula for a complaint is 'xyz':" when you did x I felt y, I would have preferred that you had done z instead ". For example: “When you didn't call me to tell me you were going to be late for our dinner date, I felt despised and angry. I wish you had called me to let me know you'd be late "instead of" you're an inconsiderate, self-centered bastard. "" Stress makes people stupid. "" The emotional mind is much faster than the rational mind. ""The great spiritual teachers such as Buddha and Jesus reached the hearts of their disciples speaking the language of emotions, teaching with parables, fables and stories."
Rationale
Why and Why an Emotional Intelligence Worksheet?
What I am sure of is that being smart is not a guarantee to be happy.
Marilyn Vos Savant (48 years in 1995, American, the highest IQ in the world (228))
- Because in today's world, interpersonal relationships are essential for better personal development. Because I consider it important that these ideas and questions are disseminated to many people. To analyze the educational and emotional models with which we were trained and that are not always useful at this time. To recognize our potentialities and limitations as people, which will allow us to relate better. In order to prevent negative attitudes such as violence. To better understand attitudes such as melancholy and depression. To identify your own feelings and those of others. To act in the prevention of inappropriate behaviors and that the change of habits results in a better quality of life.
Questions to be answered
- Can Violence Be Prevented? Can An Optimistic Attitude Cure People? Can New Skills For Emotional Life Be Learned? Is Giving Vent To Anger The Best Or Worst Way To Calm It? Do I Feel Better or Worse? What Role Does Hope and Optimism Play in a Better Quality of Life? Are Emotions and Feelings Contagious? Can Emotive Response Habits Be Modified? What Does Emotional Judo Consist of? Do I Have Toxic Thoughts?
Starting with the biological
In the evolution of the human being, the brain was transformed and sophisticated in successive layers, which were enveloping the original nucleus. The responses regarding survival must be quick and therefore irrational. This bottom-up growth is repeated in the development of the human embryo. The most primitive part of the brain, in contact with the spinal cord, controls basic vital functions such as breathing. This primitive brain does not think or learn, it simply ensures survival. The following chart outlines the brain's possible responses to an attack:
What is Emotion?
"Any agitation and disorder of the mind, feeling, passion; any vehement or excited state of mind. " (Oxford English Dictionary). The author uses the term emotion to refer to a feeling and its characteristic thoughts, to psychological and biological states, and to a variety of tendencies to act.
Families of Emotions
- Anger: anger, outrage, resentment, anger, exasperation, indignation, grief, acrimony, animosity, annoyance, irritability, hostility. Extreme: pathological violence and hatred Sadness: grief, regret, melancholy, pessimism, grief, self-pity, loneliness, dejection, despair and, in pathological cases, severe depression Fear: anxiety, apprehension, nervousness, worry, dismay, restlessness, caution, uncertainty, dread, fear, terror; and on a psychopathological level: phobia and panic Pleasure: happiness, joy, relief, contentment, bliss, delight, fun, pride, sensual pleasure, thrill, rapture, gratification, satisfaction, euphoria, extravagance, ecstasy and, in the extreme: mania Love: acceptance, sympathy, trust, kindness, affinity, devotion, adoration, infatuation, spiritual love Surprise: shock, amazement,bewilderment Disgust: contempt, contempt, contempt, loathing, aversion, disgust, rejection Shame: guilt, annoyance, disgust, remorse, humiliation, regret, mortification and contrition.
Difficulties for a Taxable Definition
A definition is complicated when emotions are mixed. For example, Jealousy is a variant of anger that is mixed with sadness and fear.
The Virtues intervene in this: hope, faith, courage, indulgence, security and equanimity.
Let us remember the seven Deadly Sins: greed, envy, gluttony, anger, lust, laziness and pride.
Feelings: They are difficult to classify, for example, doubt, complacency, indolence, apathy, boredom, confusion.
Facial expressions
Paul Ekman of the University of California, San Francisco, found that the facial expressions of four emotions - fear, anger, sadness, and pleasure - are recognized by people of cultures around the world, suggesting their universality.
Moods
They are duller and last much longer than a thrill. For example, it is unlikely to stay in the heat of anger throughout the day, but it is likely to be in a grumpy and irritable mood in which shorter outbursts of anger are easily triggered.
The temperament
It is the readiness to evoke a certain emotion or mood that makes people melancholic, shy or cheerful. We conclude then that a person's temperament is shaped by their emotions and their moods.
Characteristic Styles of People to Respond and Face their Emotions.
John Mager, a psychologist at the University of New Hampshire, one of the formulators of the theory of emotional intelligence, identifies three styles that people adopt with respect to our emotions:
- Self-aware: people are aware of their moods at the moment they have them. These people have a certain sophistication regarding their emotional life. Their clarity about emotions can reinforce other personality traits: they are independent, confident of their own limits, and often have a positive outlook on life. When they get in a bad mood, they are able to get over it right away. In short, your care helps them manage their emotions Submerged: These are people who often feel bogged down in their emotions and unable to shake off them, as if humor dominates them. They are fickle and not very aware of their feelings, so they get lost in them, instead of having some perspective.They do little to try to get rid of the bad mood and feel that they do not control their emotional life. They are often overwhelmed and emotionally out of control Acceptable: They are often clear about what they feel. They have a tendency to accept their moods and do not try to change them. They are susceptible to a bad mood, but accept it with a laissez-faire attitude (letting go), doing nothing to change it, despite the disturbances it causes. This pattern is found among depressed people who are resigned to their despair.doing nothing to change it, despite the disturbances it causes. This pattern is found among depressed people who are resigned to their despair.doing nothing to change it, despite the disturbances it causes. This pattern is found among depressed people who are resigned to their despair.
Alexithymia
This disease manifests itself in emotionally insipid people, totally insensitive to any display of feelings. It is the inability to register emotions and appears as a total lack of passion. Etymologically it comes from the Greek: a = lack of; lexis = word; thymos = emotion. These people lack the words to express their feelings. The disability is in the expression of emotion, rather than in the absence of it.
The alexithymic's dilemma is that "not having words for feelings means not appropriating them"
Anatomy of Anger
"Anger is never without a motive, but it is rarely a good motive" (Benjamin Franklin)
A universal trigger for anger is the feeling of being in danger; It can be a physical threat or a symbolic threat to self-esteem or dignity: being treated unfairly or rudely, being insulted or belittled, being frustrated in pursuit of an important goal.
These perceptions act as the trigger for attack or flight behavior, depending on how the emotional brain evaluates the opposition.
A Balm for Anger
“Anyone can get mad… that's easy. But being angry at the right person, at the right intensity, at the right time, for the right reason, and in the right way… that's not easy. ARISTOTLE, Ethics to Nicómaco.
There are two main ways to intervene in the face of an anger attack:
1) Challenge the thoughts that trigger it. An attack of anger is usually caused by a "misreading" of a situation. For example: a person with a tendency to anger quickly is driving. Another car gets in his way, causing him to brake sharply. Her thought is: "this damn murderer wants to kill me, I'm going to teach her a good lesson." This is followed by a persecution with unforeseeable consequences. Suppose that this violent motorist was accompanied by another person who told him: "the driver was waving a white handkerchief, possibly he was carrying someone who needed medical help." This immediately changes the situation. The violent spiral is reversed.
Time is important. The early stages of the anger cycle are the most effective. Anger can be completely avoided if mitigating information emerges before it begins to act. Mitigating information allows reassessment of the events that provoke anger.
2) Distraction: It is a way to stop the cycle of intensified hostile thinking. It serves when anger levels do not allow the person to reason correctly. A fairly effective strategy to distract ourselves is to stay alone while we calm down; It can be a drive or a long walk. It also helps to breathe deeply, relaxing the muscles. This time will be useless if it is used to continue the series of anger-provoking thoughts.
Another psychiatrist recommended capturing cynical or hostile thoughts the moment they arise and writing them down as a way to defuse and re-evaluate them.
Unleashing anger is one of the worst ways to calm it down: Outbursts of anger intensify the excitement of the emotional brain, leaving the person more enraged and not less. Catharsis is sometimes touted as a way to manage anger, but it is like "wanting to put out the fire with gasoline."
When a Tibetan teacher was asked what was the best way to deal with anger, he replied: "Don't suppress it, but don't act on it."
As a tragic example, on July 8, 1997, the newspaper Clarín published the following news as the headline: A marriage from Mendoza. They will spend the rest of their lives in prison for killing the son. At the bottom of the pompadour it says “A couple will spend the rest of their lives in jail for the murder of their 3-year-old son Ayrton Brian Lionel Godoy, who was beaten by the father because he“ did not say hello ”.
Circle of Concern
Oh no! The shock absorber makes a strange noise… What if I have to take it to the workshop? I cannot afford to make that expense… I will have to get the money from what I had reserved for my son's school… What if I cannot pay for private classes? That negative report the school sent last week… What if they give you lower grades and you can't get into college? The damper makes a strange noise.
The worried mind turns over and over again and one worried thought is fed back to the next, then back to the beginning. The core of all anxiety is worry. In a sense a concern is a test of what could go wrong and how to deal with it (black hat thought, Edward De Bono). The difficulty arises with chronic and repetitive concerns, which crop up over and over again and never lead to a positive solution.
To avoid these "bouts of worry" it is advisable to: a) body record its effects: heavy sweating, trembling, rapid heart rate and muscle tension. Deep breathing and relaxation is recommended. b) Actively challenge disturbing thoughts: is the dreaded event very likely to occur? Won't there be other alternatives? Are there constructive steps that can be taken? This combination of awareness and healthy skepticism helps prevent chronic worry.
Melancholy and Depression
“He who surrenders to sadness renounces the fullness of life. To survive: planning for hope ”. Dr. Enrique Pichon-Rivière
Sadness is the only state of mind that people generally strive to overcome. Melancholy, like any state of mind, has its benefits. The sadness that causes a loss has certain effects: it reduces our interest in fun and pleasure, fixes our attention on what has been lost to be able to elaborate the duel, it takes away energy at that moment to start new companies. In short, it reinforces a kind of reflective withdrawal from life's activities to mourn the loss, reflect; and finally make the psychological adjustments and the new plans (projects) that will allow us to continue with our lives.
If grief is helpful, true depression is not. The feelings and sensations associated with this picture account for its harmful effects on people. Hate for myself, feeling worthless, clammy sadness, feeling of dread and suffocating anxiety, confusion, unable to focus, memory fails, nameless toxic tide that erases any pleasant response to the living world, insomnia, I feel like a zombie, my food is insipid, hope is fading.
One of the most powerful antidotes to depression is a resource widely used in therapy: seeing things in a different way (also called cognitive restructuring). For example: a slightly ill person may become depressed compared to a healthy one, but if she meets a more serious patient, her point of view will change and her mood will improve. Comparing yourself to someone who is worse off is incredibly encouraging - suddenly what seemed rather disappointing is not so bad.
Another effective resource for overcoming depression is helping other people with problems. Getting out of worries about the self, dedicating yourself to a solidarity work as a volunteer, is a powerful resource to change the mood.
Alcohol and television do not help depressed people. "Praying, if you are very religious, is good for any state of mind, especially for depression." (Diane Tice)
Impulse Control: The Chocolate Test
In the 1960s, in a kindergarten on the Stanford University campus, an important study was conducted with 4-year-old students, who were followed through to high school.
The 4-year-olds were made the following proposition: If you wait for me to finish the task I'm doing, you can receive two free chocolates. If you can't wait, you will only get one, but you can receive it immediately. " The experimenter then left the room for 15 minutes.
This challenge enacted the eternal battle between drive and restraint, desire and self-control, gratification and procrastination. Perhaps there is no more important psychological tool than to resist the urge. This is the root of all emotional self-control, since emotions, by nature, lead one or another impulse to take action.
The children who waited for their second chocolate were able to contain their emotions, thus delaying the impulse. To wait those interminable fifteen minutes they covered their eyes so as not to see the source of the temptation, they put their heads in their arms, they spoke alone, they sang, they played with their hands and feet and they even tried to sleep.
But others, more impulsive, seized the only chocolate, almost always seconds after the experimenter left. When observed in adolescence, the emotional and social difference between the children who ate the chocolate and those who delayed its gratification was remarkable.
Those who had resisted temptation at age four as teenagers were more socially competent: personally effective, self-assured, and better able to cope with life's frustrations. And more than a decade later they were still able to put off gratification to achieve their goals.
Interpersonal Intelligence Capabilities
- Group Organization: essential in a leader, this skill includes initiating and coordinating efforts of a network of people. It is the talent that is seen in the effective directors of organizations and units of all kinds. In the playground, this is the child who takes the initiative and decides what everyone will play, or becomes the captain of the team. Solution Negotiation: it is the talent of the mediator, who prevents conflicts or resolves those that have broken out. People who have this ability excel at reaching agreements, arbitrating, or mediating disputes. They are the children who solve the fights in the playground. Personal Connection: it is the talent of empathy. Makes it easy to participate in a meeting. Know the art of relationships. Ideal people for teamwork. They get along with almost everyone.They are usually excellent at interpreting emotions from facial expressions. They are appreciated by their peers.Social Analysis: it involves being able to detect and show understanding regarding people's feelings, motives and concerns. This knowledge of how others feel can lead to easy intimacy or a sense of rapport.
Toxic Thoughts
In emotional exchanges between people, it can happen that what is verbalized and what is thought do not coincide. Example: the husband says: “Honey, don't you think that the children could calm down a little? What he really thinks is: "She is too permissive with children." These disturbing thoughts are self-confirming: the subject discards all data that contradicts her point of view and takes any attitude that confirms it. These thoughts are powerful in the sense that they confuse the nervous system of alarm and can provoke an emotional assault. In these cases, it is best to calm down, registering the increase in heart rate. Physiological recovery lasts 20 minutes.
Mind and Medicine
Modern medical care often lacks emotional intelligence.
Anger seems to be the emotion that causes the most damage to the heart, as indicated by various studies of heart pumping.
Hostility is a habit that can be changed. “The antidote to hostility is developing a more trusting heart. All it takes is the proper motivation. When people realize that their hostility may lead them prematurely to the grave, they are willing to try. "
While chronic hostility and repeated bouts of anger seem to put men at great risk for heart disease, the deadliest emotions in women can be anxiety and fear. Positive emotion is not curative by itself, but it has a great influence on the healing or survival of patients, improving their quality of life.
A study of patients in doctor's waiting rooms found that each had an average of three or more questions in mind to ask the doctor they were about to see. But by the time the patients left the doctor's office, an average of only one and a half of those questions had been answered.
This discovery confirms one of the many ways in which the emotional needs of patients are unsatisfied by today's medicine. Unanswered questions fuel uncertainty, fear, and a sense of catastrophe. And they lead patients to refuse treatment they do not fully understand.
Helping people better manage their disturbing feelings (anger, anxiety, depression, pessimism, loneliness) is one form of disease prevention.
The Family Crucible
Family life is our first school for emotional learning. In a study conducted with families, parents were observed trying to teach their child how to operate a new video game. Some mothers and fathers showed an authoritarian attitude, lost patience with the ineptitude of their children, raised their voices in disgust or exasperation, in short, they were prey to the same tendencies towards disdain and disgust that corrode marriage. Other fathers and mothers were patient with their son or daughter's mistakes and helped them solve the game on their own rather than imposing their will on it. The video game session was a surprisingly powerful barometer of the parents' emotional style. The three most common styles of emotionally inept parenting turned out to be:
- Ignoring Feelings In General: Parents with this style treat their children's emotional distress as a trivial or boring problem, something they should expect to happen. They fail to use emotional moments as an opportunity to get closer to their child or to help her learn an emotional lesson.Showing Too Liberal: These parents are aware of what the child is feeling, but they say whatever the way the child is feeling. that the child faces an emotional storm, it is always appropriate; even if it is to the blows. They try to smooth out all the disturbances and will resort to bribes to stop their child from being sad or angry.Show Disdain, and Have No Respect for What Your Child Feels: These parents are typically disapproving, harsh in both their criticism and their punishments.They can forbid any manifestation of the child's anger and punish him at the slightest sign of irritability. They are the parents who shout angrily at the child who tries to give his version of the facts: "Don't answer me!"
Emotional Judo
If the test of social ability is the ability to ease the disturbed emotions of others, facing someone who is in the heat of anger is perhaps the ultimate measure of supremacy. Data on self-regulation of anger and emotional contagion suggest that an effective strategy might be to distract the angry person, empathize with their feelings and perspective, and then draw their attention to an alternative focus, something that allows them to harmonize with a range of more positive feelings… a kind of emotional judo.
This refined skill in the fine art of emotional influence is perhaps best exemplified by a story told by an old friend, the late Terry Dobson, who in the 1950s was one of the first to study the martial art of aikido in Japan. One afternoon he was traveling home on a Tokyo suburban train when a sturdy, aggressive, drunk and dirty worker got on.
The man staggered and began to terrorize the passengers: while cursing loudly he struck a woman who was holding a baby in her arms and made her fall on top of an elderly couple, who in turn jumped up and ran to the other end of the wagon. The drunkard took a few more blows (which missed the target), grabbed the metal bar in the middle of the car tightly and tried to yank it off.
At that moment Terry, who was in top physical shape thanks to eight-hour daily aikido training, felt he had to intervene to prevent someone from being seriously injured. But he remembered the words of his teacher: “Aikido is the art of reconciliation. Whoever intends to fight will have broken his connection with the universe. If you try to dominate people, you are already defeated. What we study is how to resolve the conflict, not how to start it.
Indeed, at the beginning of classes, Terry had agreed with his teacher that he would never provoke a fight and would always use his martial art skills just to defend himself. Now, at last, he saw an opportunity to test his aikido skills in real life. So while the other passengers were paralyzed in their seats, Terry stood up slowly and deliberately.
Seeing him, the drunk roared, "Aha! A stranger! What you need is a lesson in Japanese manners! He started to pounce on Terry.
But just as the drunk was about to advance, someone gave a deafening and strangely joyous cry: "Hey!"
The scream had the joyous tone of someone who has just bumped into a dear friend. The drunkard, surprised, turned around and saw a tiny Japanese man, in his seventies, sitting and wearing a kimono. The old man smiled with delight at the drunk and waved his hand as he said, "Come here."
The drunkard advanced, saying belligerently, "Why the hell should I talk to you?" Meanwhile, Terry was prepared to take down the drunk as soon as he made the slightest violent move.
-What have you been drinking? the old man asked as he looked at the drunk worker with a smile.
"I've been drinking sake, and it's none of your business," said the drunk.
"Oh, it is wonderful, absolutely wonderful," replied the old man in a friendly tone. You know? I love sake too. Every night my wife and I… now she is seventy-six years old… we heat a small bottle of sake, we take it to the garden and we sit on an old wooden bench… -he went on talking about the persimmon he had in the backyard, of the delights of his garden and how he enjoyed sake in the evening.
The drunkard's face began to soften as he listened to the old man; he loosened his fists.
"Yes… I also like persimmons…" he said with a drawl.
"Yes," said the old man cheerfully, "and I'm sure you have a wonderful wife."
"No," said the worker. My wife died… ”between sobs, he began to tell the sad story of how he had lost his wife, his home, his job, and felt ashamed of himself.
At that moment the train arrived at Terry's stop and as he got off, he turned and heard the old man invite the drunk to stay with him and tell him everything, and he saw how the drunk lay down on the seat and supported the head on the old man's lap.
That is emotional brilliance.
Note: the Emotional Judo point was transcribed verbatim from the book.
Emotional Intelligence Capabilities
- Know your own emotions. Self-awareness - recognizing a feeling as it occurs - is the key to emotional intelligence. The ability to control feelings from one moment to the next is essential for psychological insight and self-understanding. The inability to notice our true feelings leaves us at the mercy of them. People who are more certain about their feelings are better guides in their lives and have a more confident notion of how they really feel about personal decisions, from who to marry to what job to take on. Managing emotions. Managing feelings so that they are appropriate is a capacity that is based on self-awareness. The ability to calm down, to get rid of irritability, is important.excessive anxiety and melancholy. The consequences of failure in this basic emotional skill are very costly. People who lack this ability constantly struggle with feelings of grief, while those who have developed it can recover much more quickly from setbacks and upheavals in life. Ordering emotions in the service of a goal is essential for paying attention, for self-motivation and mastery, and for creativity. Emotional self-control - postponing gratification and containing impulsiveness - serves as the foundation for all sorts of accomplishments. And being able to enter a state of "fluency" allows for outstanding performance in many ways. People who have this ability are often much more productive and effective in whatever task they undertake.Recognize emotions in others. Empathy, another ability based on emotional self-awareness, is the fundamental "skill" of people. There is a social cost to not having good emotional ears, and there are reasons why empathy arouses altruism. People who have empathy are much more adapted to the subtle social cues that indicate what others need or want. This makes them better in professions such as teaching, sales, and management. Managing relationships. The art of relationships is, to a large extent, the ability to manage the emotions of others. Specific skills that determine social competence or incompetence (popularity, leadership, interpersonal effectiveness) can be learned.Another ability that is based on emotional self-awareness is the fundamental "skill" of people. There is a social cost to not having good emotional ears, and there are reasons why empathy arouses altruism. People who have empathy are much more adapted to the subtle social cues that indicate what others need or want. This makes them better in professions such as teaching, sales, and management. Managing relationships. The art of relationships is, to a large extent, the ability to manage the emotions of others. Specific skills that determine social competence or incompetence (popularity, leadership, interpersonal effectiveness) can be learned.Another ability that is based on emotional self-awareness is the fundamental "skill" of people. There is a social cost to not having good emotional ears, and there are reasons why empathy arouses altruism. People who have empathy are much more adapted to the subtle social cues that indicate what others need or want. This makes them better in professions such as teaching, sales, and management. Managing relationships. The art of relationships is, to a large extent, the ability to manage the emotions of others. Specific skills that determine social competence or incompetence (popularity, leadership, interpersonal effectiveness) can be learned.And there are reasons why empathy arouses altruism. People who have empathy are much more adapted to the subtle social cues that indicate what others need or want. This makes them better in professions such as teaching, sales, and management. Managing relationships. The art of relationships is, to a large extent, the ability to manage the emotions of others. Specific skills that determine social competence or incompetence (popularity, leadership, interpersonal effectiveness) can be learned.And there are reasons why empathy arouses altruism. People who have empathy are much more adapted to the subtle social cues that indicate what others need or want. This makes them better in professions such as teaching, sales, and management. Managing relationships. The art of relationships is, to a large extent, the ability to manage the emotions of others. Specific skills that determine social competence or incompetence (popularity, leadership, interpersonal effectiveness) can be learned.Manage relationships. The art of relationships is, to a large extent, the ability to manage the emotions of others. Specific skills that determine social competence or incompetence (popularity, leadership, interpersonal effectiveness) can be learned.Manage relationships. The art of relationships is, to a large extent, the ability to manage the emotions of others. Specific skills that determine social competence or incompetence (popularity, leadership, interpersonal effectiveness) can be learned.
Errors in emotional skills can be remedied: To a large extent, each of these spheres represents a body of habit and response that, with the right effort, can be improved.
