At present there is a strong tendency to value romantic love above any other type of love as a couple. If I told you that loving too much can be a problem, what would you think?
Super romantic love
Romantic love has advantages to start and continue the relationship, because it generates strong pleasant feelings, a desire for exclusivity and union, high motivation for effort and sacrifice, as well as a more active sexual life as a couple. However, due to its high emotional component, in excess it can trigger unwanted thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Here are some of those harmful beliefs: the conviction that only thanks to romantic love can true happiness be achieved, that without it it is not worth living, that it is experienced once in a lifetime, that in its absence or detriment it cannot There is a relationship, that this type of love guarantees the success of the couple and that someone loves you only if they show it to you all the time.
These thoughts end up becoming absolute truths for the person who experiences them, this is how he begins to idealize who he loves and the relationship they have. When the fervor in the way of loving is not equated by the loved one or some discussion occurs as a result of differences, those who think in this way suffer intense emotional pain and can act recklessly.
The truth is that romantic love decreases with the passage of time and especially with daily coexistence. But there is no reason to be discouraged, because this situation gives way to other ways of loving as a couple.
Obsessive compulsive love
If you think that super romantic love can be extreme, when it becomes obsessive it becomes unsettling. The person who experiences it considers that he cannot stop thinking compulsively about his loved one; He needs the reciprocity of his affections as something prevailing, as well as being in permanent contact with the one who is the source of his romantic emotions; idealizes the other person and refuses to accept their defects, therefore, exhibits absolute devotion to his partner; Furthermore, when he interprets his love as unrequited, his mood oscillates violently between severe anxiety and depression.
The most dramatic manifestation of this love problem is doing reckless things to gain or retain the other's acceptance, in different words, being willing to do whatever you consider will make your partner love you, even putting your life and your life at risk. from other persons.
The thoughts of those who go through this type of difficulty are absolutist and irrational, among them, believing that if you do not have the love of your partner you are unworthy or inadequate; that not always being together is a cause for deep sadness; and, that losing a loved one is unbearable, to the extent that it is preferable to die.
In this situation, the intervention of the psychologist must be resorted to, who teaches the person cognitive distraction techniques and the use of confrontational affirmations, which have proven useful to overcome the problem.
Possessive love or celotype
There are two forms of jealousy, rational jealousy, which is generated for a legitimate reason, that is, when our partner loves and / or pays a lot of attention to someone else, decreasing the manifestations of love towards us. This generates frustration and disappointment, however, we do not allow this situation to seriously disturb us and we deal with it through dialogue and decision-making.
Irrational jealousy, on the other hand, consists of the imposition that we make on our partner to always take care of ourselves and pay attention only to us, accompanied by the feeling of horror at the assumption that he has emotionally attached himself to another person and wants to abandon us. It can be said that we hope to have a guarantee that we will be loved indefinitely and without measure.
This mixture of thoughts and attitudes makes us anxious and aggressive. Thus, we demerit the attention that the other person gives us, to demand with greater vehemence samples and words of affection. We also become manipulative, pointing to the partner as responsible for our behaviors, something like, "If you don't show me devotion, you don't give me security, you make me suffer and because of you I act despicable. " Eventually we become possessive and pressure the other person to be with us all the time or to inform us of each of their actions.
To overcome celotype, it is essential to receive training in self-observation, which allows identifying inappropriate thoughts, which will later be modified by more realistic concepts of love.
Unattainable love
The conditions for finding a partner, with whom to establish a quality long-term relationship, are not predictable or easy. This means that we must actively seek prospects, making conscious efforts to generate opportunities for interaction, in safe areas that we consider appropriate to discover people who share our philosophy of life, values and tastes.
Also, you must have patience to know each potential before making important decisions. By the way, appreciate the opportunity to nurture existence with new experiences and learning.
Due to what was stated in the previous paragraph, added to negative social experiences, some people consider that love is unattainable, specifically the consolidation of a structured and enjoyable relationship. In addition, insecurities, shyness, fear of rejection, excessive desire for acceptance, lack of social assertiveness and interpersonal skills play an important role in this dynamic.
This amalgam of conditions can lead someone to assume as unquestionable realities ideas such as: "If I show my best I must please all prospects", "Whoever does not accept me as their partner is despicable", "I could not bear one more rejection "," Finding a partner shouldn't be that difficult, so it's not worth trying "," all men are the same "or" all women are the same "," nobody wants anything serious "," love doesn't exist "or "Love is for fools."
To overcome this block, it is necessary to work on anxiety and an avoidant attitude, related to the search for opportunities to get along. Using Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy techniques it is possible to scale this obstacle.
conclusion
Our thoughts largely determine the reality we live in, in the act of loving it is no different. That is why love requires the balance that reasoning grants, to prevent it from becoming a weapon that hurts the one who loves as well as the one who is loved. To transform the irrational ideas linked to love, psychological counseling is the recommended path.
In a future article I will delve into the topic "Broken heart: disappointment, deception or self-deception?"
Referents: Buscaglia, L. (1982) Living, loving and learning. New York: Ballantine. Ellis, A. (1960) The art and science of love. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart. Among other texts.
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Psychologist Gabriel López
Online Psychology That Transforms Lives
www.psicologogabriellopez.com
