"The complaint; that tempting place… ”.
While we go through - together with the coachee - a coaching process; the deafening "music" of the complaint appears tacitly or explicitly. The complaint closes the mind and ears condemning unproductive time.
His irruption in the process goes hand in hand with offering the other and himself a theory of what happens to him accompanied by the story of the discomfort that suffocates him; attributing the origin of everything to "an absolutely external agent" but without being able (or wanting to) see himself as part of the problem.
This appears more frequently in rookie coachees; Those who are approaching coaching for the first time to experience “what happens to them in the process” bringing in turn (like everyone else) a problem that hinders them, causes them discomfort and they are not being able to solve alone.
Already in the process and before the question: - "How do you think you contribute to the situation that you are relating and it has you so bad?"; there is a great silence and the rhythm of the conversation that had been holding stops.
The coachee tries to locate himself again in the previous space in which the question, (incontestable for the moment) breaks into the context that both had achieved.
Somehow "comfortable in his discomfort" and installed in the complaint, he is not too convinced to leave her: he has established with her an idyll resistant to time and ignorant of the consequences of that attitude in life.
Beyond the theoretical explanations that one can give to the matter, and that vary according to the theory to which the coach adheres; It would be necessary to ask oneself - as professionals - what treatment we give to the subject of the complaint.
What path to take in order not to favor a reactive attitude that would further strengthen that dogmatic truth that the person drags through the social places they frequent?
When the complaint becomes a daily practice, it breaks - silently - the social ties that could serve as a human network and be useful for effective actions; for example: collaboration, containment, support, work contacts, etc.
The complainant is losing throughout his life; ears, hands and glances of your peers, friends and colleagues. In return, loneliness wins, because the complaint
fractures the social bond. Specifically, it does not seduce: it moves away.
And going back to the inconvenience that the complaint raises in the coaching process: what can we do with it then? What treatment could we give him, beyond inquiring to induce doubt in relation to the position of victim?…
Let's first see what the coachee seeks with the complaint, within the coaching process:
Well, the same thing you are looking for outside; add one more witness (the coach) to his "victim truth". Position that prevents you from seeing yourself (we said) as part of the problem and working with yourself on what you claim to be a major disturbance or problem.
In my opinion, it is necessary to remove any trace of drama and seriousness to this issue by making it manifest in the form of questions. Ask him for example, what results he obtains in the interaction with the people with whom he speaks from his “being a victim”.
Specifically, how do these people react, after a while of hearing the same thing over and over again; What does he get in that particular exchange and if in those cases it seems to him, we could speak of an exchange.
In general, the person under these questions begins to see himself from another place and not infrequently the exit door appears: laughter. The comic is introduced into the dialogue.
When someone can laugh at himself, he is able to step back and leave the scene where he was a prisoner without realizing it. This is a good opportunity for the coach (if this happens) to continue with the humor that de-dramatizes situations and gives a new space to the coachee, where the account of experiences - that have dissolved relationships, because of the complaining behavior - takes place.
Moving along this line, more committed reflections will come later and then the context can be colored by the sad emotions that appear at the memory of the breakdown or obstruction of important ties motivated by the repetition of the complaining speech.
The coaching process will then continue its course with greater or lesser success; depending on the efficiency achieved by both - coach and coachee - in setting up the system in which they star.
But if the laughter over the complaint itself has been achieved; the door will remain open to new reviews and questions that do not end in this process. If it is established as a practice, it is about the acquisition of a firm future resource.
Learning to laugh at yourself can be the beginning of a real change.
