How many times have you felt that no one understands what you are saying? Have you ever heard useless arguments between two people who, from your point of view, defend the same thing only using different words? How many times have you told your subordinates what you expect of them, without getting results?
Human beings differentiate ourselves from other beings by our great communication skills, and by the results to which this communication has led us. However, most of the time communication is diminished by negative behaviors learned during life, because we get carried away by false logic, or because we easily give in to our primitive impulses.
The principles outlined below will tell you how to deal with people regardless of who, what, where, or when.
1. Expect only the best.
Excellence is not a negotiable good. If someone else tries to convince you to settle for the current state of affairs, you, on the other hand, should try to persuade them and explain that, by agreeing to these demands, both would lose because they would be establishing mediocrity as a parameter of measurement.
There are a number of expressions that will prevent you from seeking excellence in the first place, and you should stay away from the temptation to use them. These expressions are:
- That's OK; Although it is not the best, it is the most we can achieve. Why try if there will be no difference? What else can you expect from these types of people?
The above conclusions would seem dictated by common sense, but it is one thing to know that something is a certain way, and another thing to act in accordance with that belief, without influencing anything to change it.
Some do not expect excellence, because they believe that they do not deserve it, or simply because they cannot obtain it. As they do not expect it, they do not try to achieve it, therefore what they achieve is inferior to excellence. It is not a matter of bad luck. Simply, these types of people have denied themselves the opportunity to generate excellence.
Unfortunately, we have experienced working relationships with people who are dishonest, liars, taken advantage of, without push or conformists. But the fact that we have worked with these types of people does not necessarily mean that ALL people are like that. If you believe that quality-seeking people who set themselves high standards are the exception rather than the rule, you are doomed to perpetuate your frustrations.
When we establish prior barriers on what we expect from others, we act in accordance with what we think, even when our speech is different. Our biases are what keep us from expecting the best in others. If we expect mediocrity from people, we are going to achieve exactly that; But if we genuinely expect the best from each other, we will be surprised how often people strive to meet our standards. Goethe, the German philosopher, said: "Treat people as if they were what they should be and you will be helping them to become what they are capable of being."
Let's look at the hypothetical case of a worker who, with a lot of effort, has finished high school. He is the first in the family to finish high school and to work in an office. The rest of his family works in the fields or at home. When this man comes to his supervisor with a problem, instead of encouraging him to come up with a solution, his boss gives it to him. The boss knows that the man is striving for the best; well, it does not criticize it. But instead of guiding him to recognize what he's doing wrong, he ends up doing the job for him. This prejudice is the worst, because it carries a hidden message that says: "I do not expect you to change or improve the quality of your work."
When we have hidden biases, we previously set very low expectations of others.
In reality, there is not much that needs to be done to change our attitude. Just follow these simple rules:
- Stop living in the past. The only thing the past is good for is to learn from it. The past, good or bad, is HISTORY Commit to your personal developmental goals. Set personal development goals that help you be the best you can be. Without personal goals, it will stagnate or develop as a simple response to its environment. To make your personal goals come true, make them specific, visualize them, tell them to others, and write them down. Generalities such as "I'm going to live in a better house" are not valid. Specify what for? What do I want to achieve? Once you've determined what you're really looking for, you're ready to set your goals. "I am going to buy a house in such a residential neighborhood, which has so many rooms, a garden, social areas and service areas, at the latest in so many years." Now visualize it. Close your eyes and see yourself living in that house. How do you see yourself? What sounds are there? How does it feel You have visualized your goal! Now repeat it. Share it with others.Sharing helps cement your goals and gain momentum for the support that others give you to achieve them. (It may be that when you share it with someone, they will tell you that there is a new project in that place, with excellent credit plans) But beware… your goal is nothing more than a wish until you write it down and make a "map" of your plan to get it. GOAL: Buy a house… MAP: 1. Visit the development this morning at 3:30 pm 2. Call the bank to find out about credit plans the day after tomorrow at 9:00 amwith excellent credit plans) But beware… your goal is nothing more than a wish until you write it down and make a "map" of your plan to achieve it. GOAL: Buy a house… MAP: 1. Visit the development this morning at 3:30 pm 2. Call the bank to find out about credit plans the day after tomorrow at 9:00 amwith excellent credit plans) But beware… your goal is nothing more than a wish until you write it down and make a "map" of your plan to achieve it. GOAL: Buy a house… MAP: 1. Visit the development this morning at 3:30 pm 2. Call the bank to find out about credit plans the day after tomorrow at 9:00 amDon't accept excuses without solutions. When a subordinate comes to you with an excuse for not meeting your stated goals, do not listen to him or her unless it is followed by a proposal or remedial plan. People are hired to get results, not to give reasons for failures or excuses. When your subordinates come to you looking for solutions, don't give them so easily; hold back until you have listened to their proposed solutions. Don't make them think they are hired to listen while you talk and think. Set goals that push people to grow. Goals should motivate, not demoralize. Japanese work culture is based on the premise that processes can be constantly improved. No matter how productive you are now, you can be even more productive tomorrow. Emphasize the idea that processes are always subject to improvement. Reward your subordinates' ideas about how to do things better. Create the habit of coaching. It is not enough to set goals and tell people to do their best. Help make this happen. Be available, give your subordinates time, advice and support. Get them the best training possible. Give them the tools to reach the goals. Admit that your prejudices are self-destructive. If you accept that they work with substandard results because you are convinced of the "cultural limitations" you will end up hurting yourself.
2. Listen before you speak, think before you act.
Find out what people want and why they want what they want. Think about the consequences of your actions before you speak and before you act. Put yourself in the shoes of your interlocutor to anticipate their reactions. You will find that you can get people to react and do what is expected of them by first understanding why you believe what you believe and then tailoring your message to accommodate these beliefs. If you do not listen to what they say, or act irrationally, do not expect to communicate your ideas.
It is typical to meet people who believe they are good communicators because they speak well. Most of us believe that what we have to say is more important than what we have to hear. We believe that by saying things clearly and concisely we communicate perfectly. But then why do we hear the phrase "they don't understand me" so often? It is very simple: a good communicator knows how to listen. You will be able to get your message across because you will first let the other person's message get to you. You will know what to say because you have heard enough to know how to influence the other person. But also because when you listen it makes the other person feel better about themselves, about you, and about the messages you receive later.
Even when we try to listen correctly, it is common that, if we want to influence, we fall into thought patterns that lead to erroneous behaviors. Those patterns lead us to wonder
- What can I do to get this person to do this? What is the most persuasive argument I can give you? What is the best way to verbally express my request? Should I test my speech with someone else? Will the threats help?
The problem with these questions is that they are focused on what we want to say and, therefore, will lead us to failure. How about we try the following questions next time?
- Why is the person resisting doing what I ask? What is happening in the person's life at the moment and what causes their resistance? What are the person's ambitions, goals, passions, and fears? What arguments is the person using against my request?
This set of questions is based on what the person must hear to be convinced. You begin to change others the moment you see the problem through their eyes and hear them through your ears.
Listening is not so much a skill as an attitude; The real trick to becoming a better listener is wanting to be, and then practicing. Take the following steps to increase your listening skills.
- Focus on the other person. Look him straight in the eye. Observe their facial expressions, their body language. Sit in an attitude of listening. Block out contradicting thoughts. Resist the urge to mentally reply to what they are telling you. The mind works four times faster than the speed at which it is speaking, so it is very easy to wander. Ask questions, try to make sure you understand what you are being told. See if there is a hidden message, if what they tell you is what is expressed, or if the message goes beyond what is explicit. Repeat to the person what you think you understand and negotiate any misunderstandings or misinterpretations. (Are you saying that…? I understand that… is this correct?) Finally, answer what you heard. Describe the agreements reached and any other reactions to what was said.
Control your anger and frustration. Sure, you can't control what others say or do, but you can control how you respond. When you feel like you are about to lose control, take a deep breath, and remember this:
- A violent response not only does not persuade the listener, but also predisposes them. If the person remains calm while you are angry, the other person's mental attitude is likely to defeat you. Try to understand why the other person is behaving in a way that you dislike. If you are analytical, chances are you will not be upset. Talk about your anger. Getting in touch with your feelings will allow you to calm down, and it will allow the conversation to flourish and move into a more rational tone. If you know you can't fully control yourself, walk away to calm down a bit. When you know you are going to lose control, the rational part of your brain warns you; pay attention to it. Finally, if there is someone who is hopelessly mad at you, and who delights in angering you,contact this person through third parties.
Anticipate the consequences of your actions. Remember that every action you take today will have an effect tomorrow.
When looking for agreements with others to build the future, keep in mind that that future is the reason for your effort today. Project yourself into that future, think of all the possible responses to the requirements you make, and finally, anticipate whether you can respond to the demands that this future offers you.
