What do you think about love, relationships and your partner? Have you questioned it? What if the most basic beliefs, to which you have been so attached or attached, and which you have taken for granted, are making you suffer in your relationship? Here I highlight 4 basic beliefs and I will use part of the process of Byron Katie, the author of the best seller "Loving what is" and "I need your love, is it true?", 4 simple questions to help you question its veracity and show you how they may be affecting your life in a stealthy but profound way, and how living without them can free you and help you live a better relationship with your partner…
Belief 1: I will be unhappy without you.
This is a belief that seems very innocent but that can affect in a very important way your life as a couple.
And the first question I ask you to ask yourself if you have this belief, would be 1) Is it true? Answer yourself honestly, simply with a yes or no. If you answered yes, ask yourself 2) Can you know that it is true with absolute certainty that you will be unhappy without your partner? Let the answer emerge from the heart, let your mind open and respond with a simple yes or no.
Now I invite you to see 3) How do you live your life when you have the belief that you will be unhappy without your partner? Can you imagine a sad and lonely life? Perhaps past images come to you or even movies or songs that make you believe that being alone means loneliness, abandonment, sadness? When you have this belief, you may hold onto your partner, force yourself to stay in the relationship at all costs, accept things that you don't agree with, or that don't make you feel good. You don't say what you think. You may try to constantly monitor your partner, keep an eye on her, and be on the lookout for everything she does to make sure she doesn't leave your side. This thought can create fear, stress, dependency and a difficult coexistence.
Now imagine 4) What would your life and relationship be like if you could not believe that you would be unhappy without your partner? It is very possible that you relax, that you are calmer and more confident, that you accept that this person can enter and leave your life and you will always be well. You may stop feeling the need to control it. That you allow yourself to enjoy the time that the relationship lasts, trusting that you will enjoy life with or without a partner. Everything feels lighter, and you are more open to life, and to what may happen… You feel more you, more real, more open to say and do what you feel…
Can you see the difference in how you would live life and your relationship with that belief and without it? Can you see that everything would be easier and more harmonious when that belief is not in your mind?
Belief 2: Love is having what you want and having your needs met.
It is true? Can you know that it is true with absolute certainty that if your partner loves you he would do what you ask him or he would give you what you think you need? I ask you to take your time to answer… to ask yourself if that really means love and to answer yes or no.
Now let's see how this belief can affect your life. To do this, ask yourself: How do you live your life when you believe that if your partner loves you, he or she would do what you ask or give you what you need and is not doing it? It is possible that you get upset, resent, close yourself to that person and take away your love; that you are constantly measuring her love, based on what she does for you. You may treat it harshly, in a bad mood, or be pressured or recriminated. And do you treat yourself when you have this belief? You make yourself feel insecure, you force yourself to do things for your partner that you don't want to do, you force yourself, you push yourself.
Now, how would you live your life and your relationship if you could not believe that if your partner loves you, he or she would do what you ask or give you what you think you need? It is possible that more open, you would be less demanding, more loving, you would not need anything from the other person, you would enjoy more the presence of the other person, without demanding, without putting conditions, and you would feel more free to act in the way that you feel, without feeling compelled to do things you don't feel like doing. There would be more peace in your life and your relationship…
If the others do not cover your needs, it is the signal that we have to do it ourselves… Give yourself the attention, the flowers, the compliments, the care, the affection, the love that you ask of your partner. Before demanding it, ask yourself if you are giving it to yourself, it is very possible that you are not doing it, and that what you ask of your partner is only the reflection of what you have to give yourself and not you're giving…
Byron Katie tells us: “Personalities don't love, they want something. Love does not seek anything, does not want anything, does not need anything, has no "shoulds". So when I hear people say that they love someone and that they want to be loved in return, I know that they are not talking about love. They are talking about something different. "
Belief 3: I need to win the love and approval of other people.
This is one of the most painful beliefs regarding relationships. Note how do you live your life when you are looking for love and approval? We are afraid of being alone and we modify our behavior to gain the attention of another person and to be able to get their love. We change our behavior to avoid rejection or criticism. By modifying who we are we become inauthentic. We hide aspects of ourselves for fear that others will judge us or dislike us. We put on a mask and live in fear that they will discover who we really are. We do things that we don't want to please others. And this is a very painful and exhausting way of living, pretending to be who we are not… This belief leads you to a false and stressful life.
Look now how would you live if you did not believe that you need to win the love and approval of others ?: you could enjoy being who you are, feel comfortable with yourself, giving yourself as you are, doing and saying what you feel at every moment. When we break free from a belief like this, we can let go of fears of who we are. We feel real, honest and relaxed in the relationship. It becomes easy to express love and be happy again, regardless of what others say or think.
Belief 4: My partner has many flaws.
What if I told you that your partner's apparent defects that bother you so much are an opportunity for self-knowledge? Others are the reflection of our thoughts and beliefs. Byron Katie tells us: “Once we start questioning our thoughts, our partners are always our greatest teachers. There are no mistakes about the person you are with, he or she is the perfect teacher for you, whether the relationship works for you or not, once you start questioning your thoughts, you start to see this clearly.
There is no mistake in the universe. So if your partner is upset, fine. If there is something about him that you consider a defect, well, because these defects are yours, you are projecting them, and you can write them, question them, and free yourself. People go to India to find a guru, but you don't have to: you're living with one. Your partner will give you everything you need for your own freedom. ”
To develop healthy, loving and respectful relationships requires being able to identify those beliefs we have about love, relationships and our partner and dissolve these judgments and beliefs. For this you can use the process of Byron Katie, 4 simple questions that can help you free yourself from those beliefs that prevent you from enjoying your relationship with your partner and above all your relationship with yourself. When you question your stressful beliefs, your partner becomes someone very important on your path of self-discovery.
