In recent years, acceptance has become one of the great therapeutic remedies. From different fronts we receive messages about the benefits we can obtain from acceptance and how to cultivate it: pamper yourself, love yourself unconditionally, be kind to yourself…
Loving and appreciating ourselves is necessary so as not to be in permanent conflict, but resignation will not help us to solve our problems. If we want to achieve results other than what we currently obtain, we have to be willing to change ineffective habits, beliefs and behaviors. Change, well managed, can become a great ally.
In recent years, acceptance has become one of the great therapeutic remedies.
How many times have we heard the phrase "accept yourself as you are"? From different fronts we receive messages about the benefits we can obtain from acceptance and how to cultivate it: pamper yourself, value what you have, love yourself unconditionally, be kind to yourself, look in the mirror and convince yourself that you are the person you always wanted to be…
All these slogans seem dangerous to me because of what they have of reactionaries.
They are in tune with the decontextualized sophisms of certain Eastern religions and Stoic currents that proclaim the solution of problems through their dissolution.
Acceptance is usually accompanied by other therapeutic methods such as self-affirmation or positive thinking; a double-edged sword, which can wreak havoc by making us minimize the real problems we face.
Using the words of Bill O'hanlon (1): “Positive thinking is like taking a good heap of manure, covering it with a layer of gold and saying that it is gold. It may look good for some time, but if we remove the pile, we will find that there is still manure under the outer layer. ”
The solution to our problems does not lie in self-deception, resignation, or behaving in imitation of the ostrich's strategy: burying the head underground.
It is all very well to recognize all the good that is in us, but if we want to change ineffective habits, beliefs and behavior, we have to begin to recognize our weak points and areas for improvement.
Let's remember the phrase that says: "focus on your weaknesses that your strengths will take care of themselves."
So, instead of accepting yourself without reservation, it is much more effective to become aware of your own limitations and decide what to do with them. It is the coping strategies and not the avoidance strategies that can help us solve our problems and achieve our goals. Facing our weaknesses face to face is not an easy task.
It requires having the courage necessary to combat one of our greatest fears: fear of change. What will happen when we discover that there are things in us that we do not like? Can we bear if we do not accept ourselves as we are? How will that affect our self-esteem?
To find answers to these questions, it seems appropriate to reflect on self-esteem, a complex concept whose cognitive, evaluative and emotional components have generated rivers of ink.
Nathaniel Branden (2) defines self-esteem as "the disposition to consider oneself as someone competent to face the basic challenges of life and be worthy of happiness". This competence is closely related to the concept of self-efficacy.
Self-efficacy, or perceived personal efficacy, was described by Bandura (3) as "the person's belief in their ability to successfully carry out or confront a specific task."
Repeated success in certain tasks increases confidence, a feeling of personal competence and, therefore, positive evaluations of self-efficacy; instead, repeated failures decrease them.
The person becomes aware of his self-efficacy when he realizes that he is achieving what he had proposed, that he is obtaining results.
According to Bandura, self-efficacy will determine what kind of activities a person is involved in, how long they remain immersed in their achievement and how much intensity they put into what they are trying to achieve.
People who perceive themselves as self-effective activate the effort necessary to achieve their goals, feel that they have control over events and that they can change what causes them discomfort or dissatisfaction.
Thus, the feeling of one's effectiveness has to do with action, as pointed out by Jose Antonio Marina (4). It is about the person becoming convinced that he is capable of facing different situations.
Then, as infallible accompaniment, self-esteem will appear, which is then the confirmation of a fact and not a simple idea.
If self-esteem depends on expectations of efficacy and personal performance, and self-efficacy is built on expectations of achievement and successes, what is the way to improve our self-esteem? Through acceptance? Or through action and change? Accepting things as they are or acting to achieve different results?
Self-acceptance is necessary in order not to be permanently at odds with oneself, but instead of conceiving it as a resource to legitimize the status quo, we must understand it as a lever to take action, if what we want is to change our current situation.
In those areas of our life where we don't get the results we want, or we change our strategy and start doing different things, or we will hardly get different results.
Facing change can temporarily upset our balance and that's why it usually causes us anguish and discomfort.
But perhaps it is worth asking: what is going to cause us more suffering, change, or continue in a state of permanent restlessness, in the vain hope that someday something will happen to free us from that heavy burden?
Resistance to change is a real drag on our development and personal evolution.
It is not written anywhere that we are condemned to be the same person all our lives or that we always have to do the same things and always feel the same way.
We have the right to change our way of thinking and acting until we achieve what is truly important to us.
Change is not without risk, but it is a stimulus, a unique opportunity that we cannot miss.
If we face change face to face - our change, not that of others; if we review our ways of doing and replace them with alternative, more effective courses of action; we will have more possibilities to achieve the results we want. And, as we get results, however small they may be, our sense of achievement will increase and the cycle of self-esteem will be fueled again.
Taking up Branden's words: "when self-esteem is high, the action devices tend to move forward rather than backward (…)".
Bibliography
(1) Bill O'Hanlon. Little big changes. Ten easy ways to transform your life. Editorial Paidós, Barcelona, 2003.
(2) Nathaniel Branden, Self-esteem at work. How self-confident people build strong companies. Paidós Plural, 1999.
(3) Bandura, A. (1977): "Self-efficacy: toward unifying theory of behavior change", Psychological Review, 84, pp.191-215.
(4) Nativel Preciado and José Antonio Marina. Let's talk about life. Today's themes, Meeting Time Collection, Madrid, 2002.
