It is normal that in the dynamics of life, we encounter situations that we like and others that we dislike. Some choose to adapt to the uncomfortable, learn and excel, but others anchor themselves in what bothers them and use complaining as a balancing resource. Keep reading.
Living in today's world is not necessarily easy. We are involved or we are direct or indirect witnesses of diseases, accidents, selfishness, high cost of living, enmities and unexpected changes. All this panorama puts us in a position to adapt or resist. In either of these two options, one of the most common practices is to complain. This would not be a problem if it did not become a frequent and automatic trend, affecting the person and those in their areas of influence.
Although it seems that complaining is a healthy form of release, catharsis, relief against stress, the complaint has emotional and relational effects that many do not even notice.
In his book "Decisions," Shad Helmsteter refers to this subject, and mentions it as a " dire collective custom," a habit that we repeat because our minds have been programmed to do so. The point is that every time something doesn't happen the way we want it to, it makes us regret it.
The real problem is not complaining, but the emotional intensity present in the complaint, the frequency with which it is made, because according to neuroscientists, when we begin to complain, our brain undergoes important changes. Because the complaint is accompanied by a feeling of injustice, helplessness, and frustration, our physiological response conforms to those interpretations, and consequently, the brain produces hormones that disrupt our normal functions., such as: adrenaline, norepinephrine and cortisol. These hormones affect our thoughts and our behavior. Thus, we become pessimistic people and our ability to respond to events is reduced. We become victims of events, rather than approaching them with a confident and enthusiastic creative attitude. If this practice becomes a habit, the tendency is for health maladjustments to occur in the long run.
La recurrencia de la queja nos programa negativamente. Nos hace esperar lo malo e incluso justificarlo. Además, atraemos gente quejosa y pasiva que se rinde con facilidad ante las adversidades y limita su racionalidad, su objetividad, su fortaleza. Esto termina por afectar nuestra autoimagen, y nuestra imagen social y por ende nuestras relaciones de pareja, trabajo y familia. ¿Quién quiere estar con una persona quejosa que se muestra débil y frustrada?
It is important to realize this habit, recognize it, assume the need to overcome it and get to work on it with authentic disposition. The complaint is a revelation of immaturity, since it is an indirect form of surrender in the face of difficulties. Gurdjieff advised: " don't complain, use frustration to develop yourself." For this wise and expert in mental functioning, the complaint dissipates the energy necessary to change, to face, to resolve. By complaining, the energy necessary to move us towards change is diluted in an inconsequential conversation that does not point towards evolutionary behavior.
It is clear that in certain situations you have to complain, claim and defend yourself. I am not proposing to deny reality, hold back, or act shyly. I raise the need to become aware of the moment when complaining begins to be a daily, habitual or automatic behavior. Behind this popular custom, hides low self-esteem, saying a lack of self-love.
Most complainers do not act, they get used to ruminating their grief, but they maintain a passive behavior which frustrates them. It is much more functional, as Robert Sternberg says in his book, Successful Intelligence: Using intelligence to detect the problem, find a solution, and proceed to decisive action.
In some people the complaint becomes so normal that they are unaware of its presence. I remember an episode in which I called a friend to greet him, and in less than ten minutes of conversation he complained about his mother, his father, his sister, his financial situation, his lack of a partner, the price of books, their noisy neighbors and the government.
It would be more effective to ask: What can I do, how should I do it and when, to change this situation as soon as possible? Is this so serious that I have to feel this way?
To face this exhausting habit, it is necessary to realize the way we analyze and interpret things, since in the vast majority of cases it is not what happens to us that generates our reactions, but the usual way we have to evaluate them and interpret them. We must stop the complaint, reflect and become increasingly aware of proceeding. Let's think that fifteen minutes of complaint per day are enough to accumulate five thousand minutes of emotional self-destruction per year.
A suitable exercise to eliminate the habit of complaining is to choose one day a week (to start with) and observe the number of times we complain alone or in front of others. If possible, write down the times you do it and soon you will be so surprised or scared that your mind will start to help you eliminate the habit. You can also observe a close person, only to expand your ability to be aware. Under no circumstances should you try to change anyone else. Do not tell others that you complained forty times yesterday or that you have denied your marriage two hundred times in the past week. That will only bring you a bad image. The goal is to change you and no one else. His example will motivate others to change.
After the period of self-observation has begun, think of other alternative and novel behaviors you can take instead of complaining, such as: laughing, looking for a solution to what did not turn out as expected, trying to find the cause of the situation or thanking God for helping you to become more and more observant. There are many alternatives besides the complaint, and always with better results.
The important thing is to discover and unmask the habit, reprogram the mind with new behaviors and practice until the change is installed. Although it is difficult, we will always win if we are insistent. Thanks for reading me. Twitter: @doctorrenny email: [email protected]
