Jealousy is an emotional response to something that is experienced or interpreted as a threat.
They are also associated with the feeling of envy that is based on the idea that another person achieves or possesses what the jealous would have liked or would like to achieve or have and possess.
We could see, for example, its origin in the baby and in the person who cares for him (generally the mother), who feeds him, cleans him, generally cares for him and protects him given his state of helplessness.
When a third party appears (be it the father, another son, a hobby, work) the child sees his protection threatened, he realizes that he is not the center of the world who cares for him and lives the fear of loss.
A triangular relationship is thus established where the jealousy for the child is intended to recover all the attention / love lost and try in all the ways he knows to exclude the rival. From that moment on, the rival will be constantly present and seen as a threat.
The profile of the jealous is of an insecure person, with low self-esteem, who constantly needs external recognition and attention, who seeks an exclusive love where he is the only protagonist.
The jealous person is a victim of feelings of possession, selfishness, need to have control at all times not only of the situations, of the relationship but also of the other person who is the object of their jealousy.
These are feelings that are manifested not only towards a partner but also towards whoever has something that the jealous considers not to be able to have, but that he wants at all costs and thinks that he has no ability to achieve.
They can also feel jealousy or envy for the emotional life of another person, for their way of expressing their feelings, for their ability to relate or socialize, for their professional success etc.
Jealousy often affects successful professionals who become very competitive people with an attitude of self-sufficiency, unable to work in a team, who do not share information and who live in a constant state of alert, controlling the environment and all those who consider themselves to be rivals / threats. This makes evident their lack of security and self-esteem and a lack of emotional intelligence and empathy, which will be suffocated by their fears.
When jealousy manifests itself uncontrollably by taking over the rationality of the person who is the victim of it, its origin will be neurotic or psychotic.
The jealous person is terrified of being alone, of not being loved, of not being the only one and this makes him see reality in a totally distorted way.
In fact, very often he imagines the reasons for his jealousy as if they were real and even creates tests to keep that reality alive and / or chases the other with obsessive questions, follows him, controls him in every possible way, lives in a state of mistrust and anguish being a victim of his idea, and it makes the other one neither live neither free nor serene.
Different authors have verified how there is a difference between men and women regarding jealousy; men fear sexual infidelity more, women fear emotional infidelity more.
This could be explained with an instinct that lives on in us, as a result of which man needs to guarantee the paternity of his children and thus the evolution and continuity of the family lineage; The woman must keep strong the commitment of the man with the family nucleus to guarantee its sustenance and growth.
In any case, the jealous person projects his own tendency towards infidelity - conscious or unconscious - and therefore tries with all his might to avoid suffering it from the other.
In psychology and psychiatry, there are professionals who consider that jealousy is innate in the human being, and others who consider it to be an emotional behavior acquired and dependent on the socio-cultural context that each person inherits and in which they live.
The jealous in any case demands from his partner the detailed description of his supposed adventure submissive to a morbid desire for information since, in his mind, a state of panic is created in which fear of ridicule and pride are mixed since ' everyone knows', feeling not worth enough etc. Feelings that lead to an emotional escalation that can lead to frustration, anger, dangerous behaviors.
A healthy manifestation of jealousy occurs when we really perceive a distance from the loved one and this causes a strong fear of losing it, not so much because it is an object that must be possessed as much because of the intense pain that the loss, emotionally, would cause. Which is human, normal and difficult to avoid, except when you love unconditionally, no matter what happens, whatever the relationship, attitude, decision of the other.
How to stop being a victim of jealousy?
The ideal would be to go directly to the cause that, at a certain moment in life, has generated a feeling of abandonment, loss, rejection, lack or fear and that has been expressed through jealousy.
As this is a job that may have some complexity and that requires time, solutions can be applied that will help, in any case, the process.
The first thing to do is:
- Recognize the problem Make the determination to solve it Commit to yourself to find solutions and apply them, regardless of the effort involved
This done, it will be easier to proceed. Here are 10 steps to overcome the problem:
10 steps to overcome jealousy
1. Rationalize
It is crucial to try to see reality and to resize the escalation of toxic thoughts and interpretations of which the jealous is a victim. When an uncontrolled situation arises, stop and try to be rational, without falling into the anguish that the fear of loss triggers.
2. Stop
Next step to point 1 is to slow down the mind and consequently the pathological actions that would be taken to check the suspicions, especially if unfounded. From there, distract the mind to other things.
3. Focus on consequences
Focus the mind on the consequences that a controlling, obsessive, fearful behavior can cause in the relationship. That is to say, persecution and control are justly causing the estrangement from the other, which is just what the jealous does not want to occur. In this way, how an alleged victim becomes an executioner.
4. Move the focus to the positive
Seek all the positive that the jealous brings to the relationship and therefore the also positive and recognition response that comes from the other. And instead of suffering for what you consider not to have relative to your rivals, focus on your own qualities and abilities. Write them down if necessary until you recognize them, fix them in the mind and absorb them.
5. Self-esteem
Consequently to point 4 it will be possible to work on self-esteem, essential to get out of the problem.
6. Acceptance
Contemplate the possibility of ceasing to be the center of attention of the other or of not having to yearn to have something that the other has.
7. Trust
Train the mind to see things backwards with respect to how it has been done so far. That is, instead of seeing everything as a threat, begin to glimpse in people their good intentions and their unconditional acts.
If the origin of the problem is worked on, with this approach the emotional bond can be disconnected with what, at a given moment in life, made the jealous one have to feel distrust and from there build their pattern of behavior.
8. Give-be freedom
Realize that the freedom you are trying to take away from the other is actually taking it away from yourself. No one can be happy with things like this.
9. Empathy and emotional intelligence
Start getting into the other's skin and observe, discover, share more openly what the other feels and lives. Thus develop your own emotional intelligence, vital for the flow of relationships.
10. love
Becoming aware that being a victim of jealousy / envy implies not truly loving or loving yourself, because it causes living in a constant state of defense and attack in which all are enemies and rivals, and with which peace and happiness they cannot co-ordinate. exist. Loving is not possession, loving is freedom to be.
