Carol had started therapy with me because she was feeling depressed. She was ill with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time and believed that her depression was due to this. During her treatment, she realized that her depression, was caused by her negative thinking, Carol felt distressed all the time. What she expressed in her conversations was about her constant concern, she thought that something bad could happen to her.
He wondered, "What if I don't feel well?" "What if my husband gets sick?" "What if I run out of money?" (Carol and her husband had a very successful business and there was no indication that this would not continue to be the case.) "What if my son gets on drugs?" "What happens if my children don't go to good universities?" "What happens if someone breaks into my house?"
His concern not only caused him depression, but also contributed to his illness, it was the cause. Her thinking caused so much strain on her body that her immune system couldn't keep her healthy. Although Carol knew that her concern was the reason for her depression and possibly the reason for her illness, she couldn't stop that feeling.
I was addicted to this. It was in her unconscious that feeling of control, that worry had over her.
I understood very well what she was going through because I had a family that cared too much. My grandmother, all her life she had that feeling of concern. She lived with us in my childhood and I don't remember ever seeing her without that look on her face. The same thing happened to my mother, who had the same concern. Of course, they reminded me of her, who had also become a distressed person.
However, unlike my mother and grandmother, who cared daily until the day they left this world, I had decided that I did not want to live that way. But time played a trick on me, when one day my husband and I were heading to the beach, I began to worry about my house, that it would catch fire and that my children would die. I was so upset with that feeling that we had to turn around and go back. Then I knew I had to do something about it.
As I had begun to examine the causes of worry, I understood that people who go through the same thing believe that if they maintain that feeling nothing bad will happen to them. My mother lived her whole life worried and none of the bad things she thought happened. She concluded that nothing bad happened to her, because she lived worried. She really believed that she could control things with her concern. My father, however, never worried about things, and nothing bad happened to him. My mother, however, thought that nothing bad happened to my father because of her concern.
She believed until the day of her death (who died of heart problems, perhaps caused by that constant feeling) that if she stopped worrying, everything would fall apart. My father is currently 92 years old, and lives without feeling anguish.
It is not easy to stop feeling it, when you spent a large part of your life suffering from this permanent anguish. In order for my mind to leave all of this behind, I had to admit that the belief of worry had control over the results in my life, which was not a great illusion. I needed to see that not only was this feeling a waste of time, but it could have serious negative consequences on my health, on my well-being.
Once I understood it, I could see it in my stomach and in my teeth, which clenched them every time I had that feeling.
Carol is in the learning process. She knows that her worry makes her feel very anxious and depressed, but the moment she learns to transform her energy, she doesn't feel as tired as when she felt that anxiety. When she can calm down, she can project into the future, making her feel much better. The key for Carol is to stop that distress, to accept that worry should not control her.
Giving up control of that feeling that hurts us is not easy, especially for people who live worried. However, there is an interesting paradox regarding concern. I have discovered that when I am in the present, I have a better opportunity to make decisions that bring me great well-being, and the possibility of a future. Worry prevents us from taking control of our emotions by hampering the present.
Concern in practice ends up taking away control of our lives, but we must transform this feeling.
